Archive for January 25th, 2010

The Flood, Part Two. How to Build a Rather Large Boat.

God is pissed. I mean, really pissed, murder every bastard on the planet pissed.  We’re not sure why, exactly. Oh, he keep mentions lawlessness, corruption and the  depravity of mortals, but I think this translates roughly to “No one is doing what I say, Dammit!”  And if mythology teaches us anything, it’s that deities get very upset if everyone isn’t doing EXACTLY what they say. Frustrated that no one is paying any attention to the invisible guy in the clouds, God decides to murder them all.  Not just the people mind you but every living thing on the planet!  Damn cats! Don’t come when you call them, never do what they are told! Pigs, filthy. Chickens, bah!  Kill them all.  (insert maniacal laugh here) God plots his revenge on all those who have wronged him, which, interestingly, is nearly everyone and everything.  His enemies list is packed.  Some gods are just a little too touchy,

I’m not sure what he planned to do afterward. Start over?  Surf for internet porn? Play Grand Theft Auto on the Xbox?  Fortunately, it’s not important, because Noah managed to suck up to the Lord and got himself pardoned.  Thank heavens or we’d be back to that “formless void” place.  That would be bad.  Well, the Bible would only be about ten pages long, which would be an improvement, but overall, things would still be bad.

Now Noah was a good man and, he really listened to God.  He and his family were the only good people left on the entire earth.  Everyone else was unforgivably evil, Terribly, awfully, horribly  evil, you know. Gut wrenchingly malignant. Everyone: fathers, mothers, children, the elderly, down syndrome babies, fetuses, embryos (must have been the largest mass abortion in history), puppies, kitties, absolutely everyone.  Three men, their wives and… no one else ranked good enough for the Lord.  Look, I don’t mean to criticize, but doesn’t it seem like God has set the bar too damn high. He simply must start grading on a curve! I mean really!

So Noah built himself an ark following God’s plan,and let me tell you that plan was a bit short on detail. Fortunately, Noah was a master improviser. The ark was built to the measurements of 440 feet by 73 feet by 44 ft over three levels.  This comes out to be 52,343 cubic yard in volume.  The three decks would be  96,360 square feet.   I know this sounds like a huge amount of space but that’s the same square footage as the Home Depot building in Bismarck, North Dakota only with much lower ceilings.  Now realistically, at least a third of this space had to be taken for structural elements, access ways, food storage, human quarters and like.  Even with stacked cages and packed to the gills, that is very little room.  There are 5400 different species of just mammals on the planet, many quite large.  Add to this over 10,000 bird species and 8300 reptiles. This includes no insects, amphibians or other animal types.  Let’s assume they could survive  the flood on their own.  You know there’s nothing a freshwater frog likes better than floating in the salty brine for 150 days or so.  I’m sure they were just fine.

You are aware that the young earth creationists believe that there were even some smallish dinosaurs aboard!   Whoo boy!  Isn’t this fun?  Now squeeze them all into Home Depot along with enough food and water to keep them alive for 150 days. Whew!  What a job!  Are you aware that’s an average of a just little more than a foot of floor space for each animal.  I strongly suspect that it would be difficult to shove that many freeze dried animals into that space.

Whenever I hear someone speculate on where all the Neanderthals went, I strongly suspect they just devolved into young earth creationists.  I sincerely apologize for denigrating any offended Neanderthals.

Then God tells Noah how the ark is to be loaded. He tells him twice, in fact.  Not the same way, mind you, just in similar but still inconsistent ways.  First, it’s two of every animal, then God seems to have changed that to two of every unclean animal and seven pairs of each of the clean animals.  I really don’t know why.  perhaps, the extras were like emergency rations in case the flood lasted too long.  Just pop open an extra cow and make it another week. That’s probably where the unicorns went.

In time, the ark is built.  The animals are on board, and the pantries are full.  Now they are ready to survive the tsunami of God’s hatred that is about to eradicate every other life form on the planet.  They alone have jumped through God’s hoops to a sufficient degree to be spared.  The old adage was as true then as it is today: It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.

Seriously though, I cannot stress too much how repugnant this myth really is.  The God of the flood and so many other stories is not acting for our benefit, quite the opposite, in fact.  Examples of his evil abound in the biblical myths but always get passed over for some imagined love and kindness. In so many of these Old Testament books, God is a dangerously spoiled child who when he doesn’t get his way he’s going to take his planet and go home.  Mercy is only for those who toe the line precisely. For the rest it’s death, destruction and eternal torment. what a sweetheart!  This old god is a vile and contemptible monster.   Worshiping such a creature is immoral and unthinkable.

Kind and loving, my hairy white ass.

The Flood, Part One. God is Pissed, Really Really Pissed.

This is KKBundy, The Blessed Atheist from the Blessed Atheist Bible Study, and today we are going to perform a bit of harmless surgery.

This’ll only hurt a bit.  Just insert your brain here. Now, you’ll feel a bit of pressure. Stop whining, please!  And now one really sharp pain while I slice out a good chunk of your cerebrum, fill this created space with dogshit and, presto, you are now a Young Earth Creationist.  See!  That wasn’t hard!  Oh yeah, the bleeding and pain may eventually stop. Not likely, but it may. I hope not. Stupidity must have a price!

Sigh! How do you squeeze a discussion of The Flood with all it’s young Earth interpretations into a simple blog post.  The sheer foolishness of a literal view of these three chapters lends itself to a book length argument rather than a mere essay.  So much to say.  So little time.  Baby steps, Bundy. Baby steps.

My modern moralistic eyes finds this story hatefully appalling.  At it’s most basic,  the flood is the ultimate crime of genocide, complete and utter, total and without mercy.  It’s the purposeful murder of an entire planet.  These chapters positively drip with a supernatural evil.  Satan has nothing on any jackass who would do this.   Here, God is a malignancy dripping with venom, a tumor waiting to kill us, wanting to kill us. He is the boogieman lurking in the dark waiting to kill us all.   Sagas like this put monsters like Stalin in a different perspective.  Creationists, like my mother, are constantly harping on how bad the world has gotten and how the end times are coming.  For proof of her prophecy, she often holds up people like Hitler and Stalin.  It’s a “see how bad the world has gotten without God.” kind of statement. Now it’s not that I’m excusing these people’s evil.  I’m just saying such evil has been here longer than they will admit.   According to the Bible, we were created in God’s image, but one look at this story show’s you a glimpse of the reality is that we created God in ours.  Is the story of Stalin in the Purges and Hitler in the Holocaust really worse than the Great Flood.  Not even close.  Absolute power in anyone’s hands leads to terrible crimes.  The biggest differences here is that we worship god for the atrocities we condemn others for.  Ain’t that a bitch!

The story of Noah proves to me that, if taken literally, God is certainly not on our side.

Again, let’s plunge in with a literal view and view the flaws both technical and moral.  From the very first, we run into inconsistencies with our all-knowing God.

Genesis 6, 5-8

5 And Jehovah saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6 And it repented Jehovah that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.  7 And Jehovah said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the ground; both man, and beast, and creeping things, and birds of the heavens; for it  me that I have made them.  8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of Jehovah.”

You see, God was sorry.  He was sorry he had ever made mankind, and sorry that his mangled creation was such a screw up. But how can this be?  Understand please that this is a point we will be returning to over and over.  A perfect being creates shit and then regrets it?  How so?  There are two related illogical ideas hiding so innocuously here.  The first is that of perfect creating flawed.  The only way a perfect being can create a flawed construct is to do it on purpose because creating it any other way negates perfection. Perfect beings don’t have accidents.  Tremendous  implications follow this line of reasoning.   Are we not the way our perfect creator made us?   Are we perfect with our flaws?  If he made us with flaws then obviously these flaws are acceptable, even desirable.   For how can any perfect being create a flawed creature and then blame that creature for the flaws?   If I build a bookshelf that tilts and falls down every so often, it is hardly logical to blame the shelf.  It is the craftsman that is to blame. Either I am a poor craftsman or I wanted it that way.  By all the evidence, God likes his bookshelves to fall down a lot.

Or another, more logical assumption is that we truly were made in his image, warts and all.  Any reasoned look at the discrepancies here would conclude that God must be as fucked up as his creation?  More powerful? Sure, but still mangled.  If we were created in him image, then God is one messed up, batshit crazy, dickhead. A warped and broken God creates his moral equals.  Why?   Because he is lonely?    Now that would garner some sympathy from me and be more in line with logic.  Perhaps, he just needed someone to pick on.

But all this is not to be.  Christians believe that the perfection of their God is his primary attribute.  Accepting this forces a unbiased thinker to accept the only logical conclusion, he messed us up intentionally.  To what purpose? Because he was bored?  Wanted the excitement of humanity falling down continually?  There are too many equally poor answers to this question.  This could easily be another topic for a book length discussion.

The second of the logical defects in the regret itself in creating man.  Regretting something implies a mistake. Perfection, by definition, has no error.  This difference is irreconcilable.  By this one paragraph, the concept of all-powerful is disproved.  Additionally, you may add the all-seeing and all-knowing elements.  Omniscient beings have to know the consequences of their actions.  It’s in the definition, people.  He made something that he absolutely knew was going to be a mistake and that he would later regret?  Hello?  Why? And why isn’t this a WTF? moment for all those worshippers, I don’t know what could be.  How can you be sorry you made something that you knew was going to be the way you made it?  And you knew you were going to be sorry for making it.  That’s senseless.

The Christians standby line is always “God works in mysterious ways.” or “How can you presume to understand the mind of God?”  Personally, I don’t think it’s that hard. The evidence is there and logic shows us the way.   The God of the flood is either imperfect and evil or greatly flawed and merely petty.  Assuming God is real, reason leads down no other path.   God is a butt-plug, the first butt-plug on the planet and the prototype for every hitleresque butt-plug to come.   So look out!  He’s watching, and he is cruel and jealous… And a dick!

Of course, reason also leads us to the most likely conclusion of all, that the inconsistencies just cancel each other out like variables in algebra.  That the tale of the flood is a people’s desperate attempt to understand their chaotic world, an attempt to bring a sense of order to the chaos.  Just look at the cruel world they lived in with death disease and pain around every corner.  If you lived then wouldn’t it seem like someone was fucking with you too?

But today knowing far more than they did, our reason tells us this story is a myth.


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