The Flood, Part Two. How to Build a Rather Large Boat.

God is pissed. I mean, really pissed, murder every bastard on the planet pissed.  We’re not sure why, exactly. Oh, he keep mentions lawlessness, corruption and the  depravity of mortals, but I think this translates roughly to “No one is doing what I say, Dammit!”  And if mythology teaches us anything, it’s that deities get very upset if everyone isn’t doing EXACTLY what they say. Frustrated that no one is paying any attention to the invisible guy in the clouds, God decides to murder them all.  Not just the people mind you but every living thing on the planet!  Damn cats! Don’t come when you call them, never do what they are told! Pigs, filthy. Chickens, bah!  Kill them all.  (insert maniacal laugh here) God plots his revenge on all those who have wronged him, which, interestingly, is nearly everyone and everything.  His enemies list is packed.  Some gods are just a little too touchy,

I’m not sure what he planned to do afterward. Start over?  Surf for internet porn? Play Grand Theft Auto on the Xbox?  Fortunately, it’s not important, because Noah managed to suck up to the Lord and got himself pardoned.  Thank heavens or we’d be back to that “formless void” place.  That would be bad.  Well, the Bible would only be about ten pages long, which would be an improvement, but overall, things would still be bad.

Now Noah was a good man and, he really listened to God.  He and his family were the only good people left on the entire earth.  Everyone else was unforgivably evil, Terribly, awfully, horribly  evil, you know. Gut wrenchingly malignant. Everyone: fathers, mothers, children, the elderly, down syndrome babies, fetuses, embryos (must have been the largest mass abortion in history), puppies, kitties, absolutely everyone.  Three men, their wives and… no one else ranked good enough for the Lord.  Look, I don’t mean to criticize, but doesn’t it seem like God has set the bar too damn high. He simply must start grading on a curve! I mean really!

So Noah built himself an ark following God’s plan,and let me tell you that plan was a bit short on detail. Fortunately, Noah was a master improviser. The ark was built to the measurements of 440 feet by 73 feet by 44 ft over three levels.  This comes out to be 52,343 cubic yard in volume.  The three decks would be  96,360 square feet.   I know this sounds like a huge amount of space but that’s the same square footage as the Home Depot building in Bismarck, North Dakota only with much lower ceilings.  Now realistically, at least a third of this space had to be taken for structural elements, access ways, food storage, human quarters and like.  Even with stacked cages and packed to the gills, that is very little room.  There are 5400 different species of just mammals on the planet, many quite large.  Add to this over 10,000 bird species and 8300 reptiles. This includes no insects, amphibians or other animal types.  Let’s assume they could survive  the flood on their own.  You know there’s nothing a freshwater frog likes better than floating in the salty brine for 150 days or so.  I’m sure they were just fine.

You are aware that the young earth creationists believe that there were even some smallish dinosaurs aboard!   Whoo boy!  Isn’t this fun?  Now squeeze them all into Home Depot along with enough food and water to keep them alive for 150 days. Whew!  What a job!  Are you aware that’s an average of a just little more than a foot of floor space for each animal.  I strongly suspect that it would be difficult to shove that many freeze dried animals into that space.

Whenever I hear someone speculate on where all the Neanderthals went, I strongly suspect they just devolved into young earth creationists.  I sincerely apologize for denigrating any offended Neanderthals.

Then God tells Noah how the ark is to be loaded. He tells him twice, in fact.  Not the same way, mind you, just in similar but still inconsistent ways.  First, it’s two of every animal, then God seems to have changed that to two of every unclean animal and seven pairs of each of the clean animals.  I really don’t know why.  perhaps, the extras were like emergency rations in case the flood lasted too long.  Just pop open an extra cow and make it another week. That’s probably where the unicorns went.

In time, the ark is built.  The animals are on board, and the pantries are full.  Now they are ready to survive the tsunami of God’s hatred that is about to eradicate every other life form on the planet.  They alone have jumped through God’s hoops to a sufficient degree to be spared.  The old adage was as true then as it is today: It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.

Seriously though, I cannot stress too much how repugnant this myth really is.  The God of the flood and so many other stories is not acting for our benefit, quite the opposite, in fact.  Examples of his evil abound in the biblical myths but always get passed over for some imagined love and kindness. In so many of these Old Testament books, God is a dangerously spoiled child who when he doesn’t get his way he’s going to take his planet and go home.  Mercy is only for those who toe the line precisely. For the rest it’s death, destruction and eternal torment. what a sweetheart!  This old god is a vile and contemptible monster.   Worshiping such a creature is immoral and unthinkable.

Kind and loving, my hairy white ass.

    • Wayne D
    • January 31st, 2010

    You said the following: > First, it’s two of every animal, then God seems to have changed that to two of every unclean animal and seven pairs of each of the clean animals. I really don’t know why. >

    The answer is that there were around 3 different stories in Genisis. In this case, two. The 2nd story where there is a requirement of 7 animals, btw, it doesn’t make clear if it is 7 or 7 pairs, anyway, the priests wrote this version and the reason there were more than one pair of each clean animal is because this version requires that animals be sacrificed to God. The other version didn’t have this requiremtent. The reason for more than one pair then is because, if an animal was sacrificed, the whole species would be wiped out if there was only one pair.

    • Wayne D
    • January 31st, 2010

    One more thing, an editor later took the various stories and combined together as one.

    • Joel Wheeler
    • February 9th, 2010

    Just a quick thought on Mercy and Justice. Christians love to say that their God is both infinitely merciful and infinitely just, whatever that means. But the two concepts are at odds: justice implies something along the lines of ‘punishment fits the crime,’ while mercy suggests ‘no punishment regardless of the crime.’ Just sayin’.

    • Lisa
    • May 17th, 2010

    What? Your ass is hairy? A definite sign of your Neanderthal ancestry.

    I’ll be returning to this essay whenever I need a good laugh. Seriously, I’m picturing the pantries on a floating Home Depot and it ain’t pretty, but it sure is funny. Keep it comin’!

      • amy o in yokohama
      • May 17th, 2010

      “What? Your ass is hairy? A definite sign of your Neanderthal ancestry.”

      ROFLOL! This essay made me laugh, too:)

    • aeniph
    • December 16th, 2013

    Another logical inconsistency. Later on god “stops up” the wombs of people he doesn’t like. So instead of killing everyone why not just stop up their wombs. He has the power. One generation. Everyone dead and you didn’t kill a single person. Excellent contraception.

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