Archive for January 27th, 2010

The Flood 3, When God so Loved the World that He Murdered Nearly Everybody

And the flood came.  All but eight died so the world was finally cleansed of its evil diversity and free thought, rid of its differences and disagreements.  Like some fictional communistic dystopia, dissension was crushed and everyone thought as one.  Only eight survived, and these fearfully worshipped their dark God, cravenly offering sacrifices and promising to obey.   God looked upon the murder and devastation; he gazed on the lifeless swamp he had wrought and saw that it was good. The Lord Genocide had killed everyone and everything. The world lay in ruin and he was happy to see it so. Mission accomplished. Don’t you love it when a plan finally comes together?  Goddamned if I don’t love a happy ending.

I’m not sure what I can say to further shed light on this crime against humankind.  I’ve said enough in my previous two posts and the act itself should speak volumes to anyone willing to read it for what it really says.  The fact that people still worship the monster they themselves think responsible is a bit beyond me.  How has our species made it so far?

Reading the account of the flood isn’t easy, because so much of this entire section is hard to comprehend.  There is much repetition, but never exactly copying itself.  Differences and contradictions abound, as if two drunk story tellers sat down and argued over whose version was better.  Coming to no agreement, they simply included both… And the random mutterings of the schizophrenic homeless bastard on the corner.  In fact, it’s more like both drunk story tellers are with you and when one finishes a small part of the tale, the other interrupts and insists on telling his slightly different version. They then proceed to go back and forth arguing over which is truer.  Therefore, the events are often out-of-order, out of context and riddled with contradictions.


Noah goes into the ark and the rains start, then he enters the ark. huh?

On the 17th day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat. But just after this Genesis says that the waters continued to diminish until the first day of the tenth month when the tops of mountains appeared.  How does an ark land on the mountains two months before they appear?

Seemingly, only after he lands does Noah send out the birds to look for dry land.  It’s like Pulp Fiction when they keep jacking the movie around through time, only this is far more sinister and not nearly so much fun.

How long did the flood last?  Damn good question.  There are several day counts here but it is unclear which are concurrent and which are consecutive.  After reading it five separate times I finally went with the listed dates.  The other data contradicts it (Surprise, surprise) but it is the clearest item here.  Let’s just say, it was a year and ten days from the beginning of the rain until dry land.

These examples abound, and I’ll not waste anymore time on them.  I just urge you to look for yourselves. Try here, or any other online or print Bible of your choice.  It is little wonder that humanity has seldom come to a consensus on the meaning of the Bible.  You can alter only the emphasis and the meanings often change dramatically.  This book has a near infinity of poorly defined material to fight about. Looks like were in for a long ride.

So Noah and family exit into the wasteland their God has recreated and free the animals that have been packed in the ark for a year.  Then Noah, righteous man that he is, drags forth one each of the clean animals and offers it up as a sacrifice to Jehovah.  Seems to me Jehovah should have been quite satisfied with the massacre of every other living thing on the planet, but nope.  He always wants more.  So Noah offers burnt sacrifices of a some of the very few animals left alive on earth using the very same technique the ancient Greeks used for their pantheon. All Gods must just love that burnt animal smell.  Can’t you just see Jehovah and Zeus lounging about Olympus getting high on the burning sacrifices. Dude.  Now that’s some good shit!   So Jehovah smells the sweet savor of Noah’s sacrifice and decides to give a little on the whole Genocide thing.

So God enters into a covenant with Noah promising never to commit complete genocide again.  Partial genocides, sure, but never the whole shebang.   But then, after realizing he has been rash in his promise, he qualifies the statement and says he will never actually destroy the earth by flood again.   This, of course, leaves his options open.  Even a merciful and omniscient God can never tell when the urge to destroy every living thing in the universe may come upon him once more, and we wouldn’t want to limit his potential, now would we?  As a sign of his good will and sincerity, he gives us the rainbow.  Evermore, humankind can look on that beautiful bow (the scientifically verifiable result of light refracting through drops of water) and know that God loves us so much that he will never murder all of us again in a single instance by vast amounts of water.  Don’t feel too bad for him,though.  Disease, meteors, run away greenhouse effect, alien attack, and about a thousand other options are still available, so he’s not exactly overly constrained.  Everyone knows that when the Lord Genocide closes a door, he opens a window… for himself.

I don’t know about you, but I sure trust the Big Guy in the Sky.  I’m absolutely positive that once you slaughter an entire planet, you’d never do it again.  Just like the old rhyme says:  Once you try crack, you never go back.

Wasn’t that it?


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