The Flood 3, When God so Loved the World that He Murdered Nearly Everybody

And the flood came.  All but eight died so the world was finally cleansed of its evil diversity and free thought, rid of its differences and disagreements.  Like some fictional communistic dystopia, dissension was crushed and everyone thought as one.  Only eight survived, and these fearfully worshipped their dark God, cravenly offering sacrifices and promising to obey.   God looked upon the murder and devastation; he gazed on the lifeless swamp he had wrought and saw that it was good. The Lord Genocide had killed everyone and everything. The world lay in ruin and he was happy to see it so. Mission accomplished. Don’t you love it when a plan finally comes together?  Goddamned if I don’t love a happy ending.

I’m not sure what I can say to further shed light on this crime against humankind.  I’ve said enough in my previous two posts and the act itself should speak volumes to anyone willing to read it for what it really says.  The fact that people still worship the monster they themselves think responsible is a bit beyond me.  How has our species made it so far?

Reading the account of the flood isn’t easy, because so much of this entire section is hard to comprehend.  There is much repetition, but never exactly copying itself.  Differences and contradictions abound, as if two drunk story tellers sat down and argued over whose version was better.  Coming to no agreement, they simply included both… And the random mutterings of the schizophrenic homeless bastard on the corner.  In fact, it’s more like both drunk story tellers are with you and when one finishes a small part of the tale, the other interrupts and insists on telling his slightly different version. They then proceed to go back and forth arguing over which is truer.  Therefore, the events are often out-of-order, out of context and riddled with contradictions.


Noah goes into the ark and the rains start, then he enters the ark. huh?

On the 17th day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat. But just after this Genesis says that the waters continued to diminish until the first day of the tenth month when the tops of mountains appeared.  How does an ark land on the mountains two months before they appear?

Seemingly, only after he lands does Noah send out the birds to look for dry land.  It’s like Pulp Fiction when they keep jacking the movie around through time, only this is far more sinister and not nearly so much fun.

How long did the flood last?  Damn good question.  There are several day counts here but it is unclear which are concurrent and which are consecutive.  After reading it five separate times I finally went with the listed dates.  The other data contradicts it (Surprise, surprise) but it is the clearest item here.  Let’s just say, it was a year and ten days from the beginning of the rain until dry land.

These examples abound, and I’ll not waste anymore time on them.  I just urge you to look for yourselves. Try here, or any other online or print Bible of your choice.  It is little wonder that humanity has seldom come to a consensus on the meaning of the Bible.  You can alter only the emphasis and the meanings often change dramatically.  This book has a near infinity of poorly defined material to fight about. Looks like were in for a long ride.

So Noah and family exit into the wasteland their God has recreated and free the animals that have been packed in the ark for a year.  Then Noah, righteous man that he is, drags forth one each of the clean animals and offers it up as a sacrifice to Jehovah.  Seems to me Jehovah should have been quite satisfied with the massacre of every other living thing on the planet, but nope.  He always wants more.  So Noah offers burnt sacrifices of a some of the very few animals left alive on earth using the very same technique the ancient Greeks used for their pantheon. All Gods must just love that burnt animal smell.  Can’t you just see Jehovah and Zeus lounging about Olympus getting high on the burning sacrifices. Dude.  Now that’s some good shit!   So Jehovah smells the sweet savor of Noah’s sacrifice and decides to give a little on the whole Genocide thing.

So God enters into a covenant with Noah promising never to commit complete genocide again.  Partial genocides, sure, but never the whole shebang.   But then, after realizing he has been rash in his promise, he qualifies the statement and says he will never actually destroy the earth by flood again.   This, of course, leaves his options open.  Even a merciful and omniscient God can never tell when the urge to destroy every living thing in the universe may come upon him once more, and we wouldn’t want to limit his potential, now would we?  As a sign of his good will and sincerity, he gives us the rainbow.  Evermore, humankind can look on that beautiful bow (the scientifically verifiable result of light refracting through drops of water) and know that God loves us so much that he will never murder all of us again in a single instance by vast amounts of water.  Don’t feel too bad for him,though.  Disease, meteors, run away greenhouse effect, alien attack, and about a thousand other options are still available, so he’s not exactly overly constrained.  Everyone knows that when the Lord Genocide closes a door, he opens a window… for himself.

I don’t know about you, but I sure trust the Big Guy in the Sky.  I’m absolutely positive that once you slaughter an entire planet, you’d never do it again.  Just like the old rhyme says:  Once you try crack, you never go back.

Wasn’t that it?

  1. Haha, this was fun to read. If ever there was a good argument that the Bible can’t be relied upon, it’s the disjointed nature of this story.

    • Lisa
    • May 17th, 2010

    Yes, like a good cliff-hanger at the end of a long movie, I’ve often wondered about the “He’ll never destroy the whole earth again with a flood…” OMG, what’s coming next? Tsunamis, earthquakes, meteorites, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions? Sounds like a day in the life of an ever-evolving planet. Sounds like TODAY.

      • amy o in yokohama
      • May 17th, 2010

      What I never could get was why, if “the wages of sin” are death (eat apple=certain death), did Yahweh feel the need to kill everybody in the flood? Aren’t they all *already* punished with death because of Eve’s act? What difference does it make whether they die from the flood or later of old age (which, apparently, they wouldn’t have had Eve not, blah, blah)? Since A&E already brought sin into the world and are now “dented pots” (as my JW friend put it to me) who can only spring off more “dented pots”–well, what was old Y thinkin’? Already broken from the start, but they can live righteously anyway? Isn’t Noah an offspring of the same “dented pot” stock? Does Yahweh think it’s going to get any better later? Was he trying to start over with Noah? Why’d he wait so long? Why didn’t he just knock of A&E and start over right at the beginning? Surely it might have avoided the undue suffering of billions….

      “Tsunamis, earthquakes, metorites, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions…”–yeah, those happen all the time, but if *Yahweh* sends one, there’s a little trailer at the end “This natural event sponsored by Yahweh, Inc.”

      Enjoying your comments:)

    • Beth Risdon
    • September 21st, 2010

    Brought this up in another thread and then found the posts on Noah and the Flood. I still haven’t heard any arguments about scientific evidence of the flood actually occurring – which interested me as I thought surely ignorant people would want to use twisted science to fix their story.

    Might be likely that they are also the ones who are too busy copulating with close relatives like a lot of the families in the bible.

    Does anyone have any science they were interested in bringing up here? In the other post-comments I mentioned when I was younger someone “discovered” the ark. Any comments from those in the know?

      • Daz
      • September 21st, 2010

      I’ve seen the Flood ascribed to everything from a land-blockage in the Bosphorus giving way, to a serious but local river or river-delta flood. I don’t recall ever seeing any really persuasive evidence for (or, to be fair, against) any of them. I favour a serious river flood, probably experienced by those in the delta or estuary, myself. Mostly, I’ll admit, ’cause it seems a happy medium.

      The Ark seems to have been ‘discovered’ four or five times at least, though how anyone would go about proving it *was* the Ark, even if we take as a given that it actually existed, I have no idea. The best one could hope for would be to find a wooden vessel in good enough condition to be dated to around the right time. (This, remember, using dating techniques that most creationists pooh-pooh anyway, when they don’t like the time-spans they produce.) Hardly conclusive.

      For what it’s worth, here’s the wiki page you want

      Another thing about the Flood story that looks fishy when you stop and think of it: The lands seem to get repopulated awful fast, considering the small number of survivors…

      PS. It’s ‘infinitesimal’ :-)

        • Daz
        • September 21st, 2010

        I meant to mention. if you want a laugh, and seriously want to see some of the twisted science, as you put it (personally I hate even the thought of calling it ‘science’…), your best bet is:

        Warning: May cause death through laughter

        • Beth Risdon
        • September 27th, 2010

        Thanks Daz! Made my day with the Monty Python sketch too!

  2. Thanks–haven’t seen that particular Python in quite a while:)) That is, in fact, one of the things I love about Steven Pinker–he’s the only linguist I know who quotes Monty Python at length (the Dead Parrot sketch, no less–mah favorite!)

      • Daz
      • September 22nd, 2010

      Heathen! The only true Python sketch is the Philosophers Song!

      Death to the Infidel Parroteers!


      Search YT for ‘Not the Nine O’Clock News – Monty Pythons worshipers'(sic). I’d post the link but it would probably embed again and turn the thread into a string of videos. I have no idea why it does that.

        • Anonymous
        • September 22nd, 2010

        I straddle the fence–since I know every word of the Philospher’s Song, too:))

        • Beth Risdon
        • September 27th, 2010

        I think it is possible that there are too many good monty python sketches to ever be able to discover the greatest one!

        Check out South Parks Dead Kenny Sketch in the extended version… hilarious

  3. Thanks, Beth! I’m not a big South Park fan, but that was excellent (once I found the one you were talking about:))

    • Beth Risdon
    • October 2nd, 2010

    Sorry, busy week. Here you go. :)


    • Brilliant! Thanks Beth.

    • Just tremendous! Is that really Terry Gilliam’s Mum?
      Thanks for posting that so everyone can watch it:))

        • Beth Risdon
        • October 3rd, 2010

        Pretty sure its not but whoever she is she is a great sort for letting them tie her up and shout at her! :)

    • That was truly brilliant! Thanks Beth. Now to bed early so I can get up at 7:00 and write write write. There’s just never enough time. It’s that damnable work! Always getting in the way!

      Hmm! Anyone interested in robbing banks for a little extra cash? That’d free up some time! I’m too chubby to run very far and everyone insists my driving sucks so I guess I’m stuck being the criminal mastermind. Anyone interested in joining my three nation crime spree please submit your resumes and be sure to include any amoral talents that you may have. Those that would be of use anyway! For a lack of Christ’s sake, Daz, only those! ;-)

      • Eh? You thought I had a talent? Someone’s been telling you porkies, my lad! And shhhh! I’m trying to write! Inspiration striketh not, though, so “trying to write” seems to mean mostly playing a lot of online games…

        Easiest way to rob a bank these days, appears to involve becoming the director of the bank, totally screwing up the whole business, and retiring on a huge bonus-cheque, while various governments bail out the poor sods you sold down the river. I’ll stick to the Phd sales thanks. Talking of which, anyone interested, the address has changed to Daz’s Divinity College, Cell 54, E Wing …

      • I can totally hide chocolate and eat it without *anyone* noticing–and then berate the kids for snacking before dinner! And, I can run really fast up and downstairs:

        I could be her evil twin…:)

        • Beth Risdon
        • October 3rd, 2010

        Amoral… hmm, like Amy O I can be quite hypocritical at times, and I tend to try grapes at the market to see if they are any good before buying which my friends tell me is stealing – also I have an office stationery habit which involves “borrowing” purple post it notes. Pretty sure I am not skilled enough to pull of a heist, especially if it involves becoming a bank manager!
        And out of interest although of course it becomes awfully boring to repeat stuff to people, KK Bundy what are you writing? and Daz, how do you get Phd sales? I’m on my masters and I will have to give mine away, most likely for use as coffee table correctors or tv aerial stands!

  4. Beth. Answer the following multiple-choice question, then send a cheque to the address above, to receive your Divinity Phd by return of post:

    Atheism is…

    (i) The evil godless morality subscribed to by child-eaters.

    (ii) Abhorrent in the eyes of the Lord, and should be dealt with by stoning.

    (iii) A world-wide conspiracy, funded by Jews, homosexuals, [insert name of every faith and sect but your own here] and the Illuminati (and possibly space-aliens too), whose aim is to violate your family and commit every believer in [insert name of your own sect here] to the everlasting fires of Hell.

    (iv) All of the above.

    • Beth Risdon
    • October 3rd, 2010

    Apologies Daz but I only send blank cheques to major religious organisations visible during daytime television.

  5. @daz & beth–…(helpless snorting laughter)…

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