Oh Damn! Noah’s Drunk and Naked Again.
As a last look, before we leave Noah in the dusty pages of Genesis, let’s have an in-depth look at his drinking problem and how his grandson suffered for it. Personally, I find this chapter a fascinating study of the man who God considered righteous enough not to murder in the great genocide, the best man in the world, but as we shall see, God’s standards are a bit strange.
A mere eight people left the ark after the flood receded. Eight! They were the only living humans on Earth, all the rest having been murdered by the Great Lord Genocide. The leader of the survivors of Jehovah’s wrath was Noah, because he, by God’s standards, was a good and righteous man. His three sons, Shem, Ham and Japeth, were also spared by the power of Noah’s righteousness along with their wives and Noah’s wife. I’d give you their names but the Bible is often mum on wives’ and daughter’s names. Ever notice how women seldom seem important enough in this vast patriarchy to even merit names. You do have to wonder, if our “born again” sisters get a little weary of the perpetual lack of recognition of their sex? Hmm?
The Bible says that Noah was a farmer and the first to plant a vineyard and, presumably, the first to get smashed. So one day he gets mightily hammered on his own wine and passes out naked in his tent. The Bible doesn’t say why he was naked, so I can only assume that it was not for a good cause. Having been through college, I can think of nothing honorable that leads a man to drunken nudity. So while old Noah was lying insensible on the ground in all his pale glory, Ham strolls in. Now young Ham was the family clown, and he finds this a bit funny. Doing what any young man would do, he tells his brothers. That’s it. Just tells them about it. Pay attention here because this great felony will become very important soon. The brothers attempt to cover old their father with a robe by entering the tent backwards so as not to lay eyes on Noah’s wiener lying in the dust. Whether this was to protect their fathers dignity, or to save themselves the horror of seeing a 600 plus year old body, the Bible does not relate. Incidentally, it must have been a bit difficult to cover a sprawled out naked old man without actually looking at him and walking backwards. For the record, if any of you find me passed out on the floor naked, please cover me up, but watch where you’re stepping. Certain pieces and parts are rather sensitive and will not enjoy being stepped on.
When Noah comes to, he learns of Ham’s terrible crime and…. What do you think he does? Rebukes him? Smacks him? Banishment? 40 lashes? Nay, nay, I say. He curses Ham’s son Caanan to eternal slavery. Got that? He curses, not Ham, the perpetrator of this horrid crime, but Ham’s son to slavery. Yeah, really righteous. Now, using this section as a moral guide is a tad problematic. When someone wrongs me, say, steals my car or torches my house or ,even (oh, the horror), sees me passed out naked, does God really think I should take it out on the innocent child of the felon. Should I break the poor lad’s legs? Maybe… Put him the stocks? Perhaps… Sell him and his children into eternal slavery? Bingo! We have a winner in the Biblical justice category. For the mere price of your heart and soul, you too can be “righteous”!
Well… I’m going to have to say no. I prefer having morals.
Why everyone can’t read this with the ethical horror it merits is simply beyond me. God’s right hand man gets plastered, and instead of blaming himself for acting the fool, he punishes the son of the one who saw him act the fool.This is the moral pinnacle that we all should aspire to? Not to stand up and take the blame for being a butt-plug jackass but to blame the children of those who witnessed your sin, this is God’s justice and mercy? That God condoned this act of cruelty and selfishness would be hard to deny for Noah was the only righteous man on Earth, yet this is how he treats his grandson? Now I understand that it was a bit disrespectful of Ham to mock his drunken father, but to enslave his son is abhorrent.
As an aside, this was the passage used for centuries to justify African slavery. Africans were the sons of Ham , or so the plantation owners claimed, which, of course, made it fine to enslave the entire race forever. Convenient, yes? But where is the justice in this? Where is God’s great mercy? This is one of the great examples where Christians see in the Bible whatever will benefit them. Where is that mercy Christians speak of with such reverence? You could say that the mercy and love of God is in the New Testament and that would be somewhat true. The Gospels do contain a strong ethical core, but this is moral or just? To extricate themselves from the horrific ethical burden of the Old Testament, there is no other recourse but to throw it all away. Though you must see that if Christians toss out the Old Testament, they would deny themselves an array of ready-made excuses to do whatever the hell they wish. The Old testament says that as long as you’re righteous it’s fine to hurt, it’s fine to enslave and it’s fine to kill. And that’s too powerful a weapon for them to bury.
The truth is clear. No religion that holds the lightest of claims to moral behavior could ever afford to associate with this travesty of justice. The Old Testament God is a bastard, and his human sycophants were truly created in his image. Bastards one, bastards all.
I think you have an interesting take on the Old Testament. Allow me to ask you a few questions. Have you ever lived in the Middle East? Were you alive a thousand years ago? I don’t mean to seem sarcastic with my questions but it seems to me that you have a pretty good understanding of what an infinite beings idea of mercy and righteousness is and therefore I’m sure your reaction will be just. Furthermore, are you not behaving in the same manner as this God of Genocide that you abhor? Do you not pass judgment on the Bastard Christian and their Bastard sons? Just because someone believes the God of the Bible to be true, does that mean they have full understanding of everything that it says? I would be a fool to think that I understand what the Creator of the universe means by Justice or Righteousness. If I did maybe I would be God. And maybe I would choose to pass judgment onto whomever I pleased. But I think that you’ve already chosen that for me. Thanks. Believe what you want to believe but try and be loving about it, seen as how that is what you want everyone ELSE to do.
Your questions seem to imply that morality is relative. Is this true? If you think that I had to be “alive a thousand years ago” to understand what moral behavior is then morality must be relative. Period. I fully believe it is, and stories like this prove that the ethics of our predecessors is not what we should follow today. We have progressed, greatly, and are better than these righteous people and God of the Old testament. Do I pass judgement on people of THREE thousand years ago? No. They are simply products of their time, as we all are. Our ethical development will progress. In a thousand more years, we will likely be thought of as assholes. The judgement I pass is on those today who insist that this Book must all be taken literally, that it’s the only reference on moral action and thought. These stories prove that it is not. There are wonderful things within it, that I do not claim otherwise, but to maintain a modern sense of morality we must toss out huge chunks of it and use the rest as an allegorical tale. Biblical Literalism is slightly behind astrology as a valid platform for truth, and far more dangerous.
Again, do I pass judgement? Sure. There is a major difference though. I say what I think is wrong and terrible, but I don’t go out and kill every one who fails to see it my way. Noah enslaved his grandson for his son’s minor lapse! Can you honestly say that this is what we should base our justice system on?. Saying someone is mistaken is one thing, killing, torturing or enslaving them is quite another. This I do understand.
I like to look at humanity as one of infinite groupings in the Everything. From this perspective, moralilty must be relative. What could be more evil to an ant than me with a can of Raid in my hand?
As the camera zooms in closer and closer to life as we see and live it, can we philosophize the same pattern? Morality related more and more specifically to each grouping all the way down to me. I don’t agree morally with anyone I know on every subject. The same pattern from the infinitely tiny to the infinitely large. The ultimate moral relativist!
Right on!!! By the way, if you haven’t seen it, you might enjoy the “Intelligence Squared” debate re the Catholic Church…. http://www.intelligencesquared.com/iq2-video/2009/catholic-church
I apologize. I thought YOU were reading the Bible too literally. I believe the Bible to have Truth in it, but I also believe that we must understand what to take literally and what must be seen as myth and allegory. I didn’t know that our judicial system was based on Genesis of the Bible? I understand there are many believers who want to use the Bible as a guide for morality and ethics, but I fail to see this in how our country is run today.
Also, Ham entered the tent facing his naked and drunken father. He then proceeded to ridicule (for that time period) his father by displaying his wrongness to his brothers. Who, out of respect for THEIR tradition, entered the tent without looking at their father,respecting his authority. He then cursed Ham’s son. In doing so, I’m pretty sure he took care of disciplining Ham as well. Given the examples of father/son relationships that we have, I think it’s safe to say that Ham was rightfully punished for his disrespect.
I do agree with you 100 percent that who reads this and endorses slavery because of it is a fool and should be ashamed of themselves.
“I also believe that we must understand what to take literally and what must be seen as myth and allegory.”
Stefen, until God publishes the Companion Volume that clearly directs readers to what is literal and what is myth, it’s up to every reader to decide, isn’t it? This is not what rational people call clear communication.
Stefen,
Until 1865, this “myth or allegory” was used to justify slavery in the United States. It was taken pretty damn literally back then.
Is 1 Corinthians 14:34 a myth or allegory? What about Deuteronomy 21:18-21? What about Leviticus 18:22? Myth? Allegory? Literal, immutable Word of God? Will they still be myth/allegory/literal, immutable WoG 145 years from now? What is the capital-T Truth?
As an aside, how did God punish Ham, apart from the psychological torture of cursing his son? My bible doesn’t say, yet you think it’s “safe to say” he was “rightfully punished”. Citation, please?
Hi all, I saw this post as the result of a google alert on “Noah’s wife.” Thought it was an interesting discussion. The whole state of affairs mentioned here with women not even deserving a name and the strange definitions of “justice” in these old stories led me to write my own version from a woman’s perspective. Perhaps you would be interested in the novel. Noah’s Wife is historical fiction based on evidence of a great Black Sea flood in 5500 and the culture that existed at that time. The first chapter and a video trailer are on my web site. http://www.tkthorne.com. I would love to hear your thoughts about it.
Again, glad to see this discussion taking place! My next book is about Lot’s wife and I see more talk on that subject that I need to investigate!
I think you’ll find that Ham’s real crime is that when he discovered the authority figure behaving badly he blabbed instead of quietly covering it (him) up! The churches still subscribe to this theory of morality. If those in authority are doing the wrong thing they’d like us all to look the other way please!
Right on sister. At least someone understands and READS the Bible. Only a true believer in the Bible can understand it.
What I don’t get is, who died and made Noah God? I can understand the drunken cursing – we’ve all been there. What I cannot understand is why Noah’s curse affects Ham’s millions of descendants yet to be born. Surely that’s up to God – and yet he meekly hands over responsibility for their future to a man who can’t handle his drink.
It looks like what we have here is a typical Biblical fudge – two completely different theologies (God as creator of the World; cursing as a way of making bad things happen) bundled together in the one story, and nobody cares because it makes a great story.
You’ll find that happens a lot as you read on.
I found your blog when checking out the story of Noah’s drunken party. I am amazed at the number of people that have found excuses for him. One person states that it was probaby the first time he had imbibed his own wine and didn’t know how it would affect him. Yeah, right.
This story was written down centuries after it supposedly happened. The moral involved may have been lost in these centuries of oral tradition.
Another interesting point is that this seems to be a recurring nightmare for people…to see their parents either naked or having sex. I was just writing about this in my own blog. I am reading Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie and am at the part where the main story teller sees him mother naked. This seems to have a huge affect on people. I wonder why.
In the interest of fairness, it’s worth reminding that abolitionism was championed (also) by some Christian groups, like the Quakers, specifically because they viewed the practice as un-Christian.
This does not change the dubious nature of this tale. But even from a literalist perspective, it’s not necessary that Noah’s curse on Canaan be seen as a justification for anything … except the eradication of Canaan later on of course.
Although this is true, there were an equal number of religious groups in the south that were on the other side of the issue. I’m amused by how many churches split in half over it. Those in areas that made vast sums of money off of slavery nearly all supported it without reservation. Those in the north, where the money invested was much less, supported abolition. Does that tell you anything about religious based morality? I tell me loads.
The church does not define morality. Neither does the Bible. We often wrongly credit these sources as the definers of morality. PEOPLE determine morality. What a society decides it will allow becomes the new line in the sand for sin. The church is slow to catch up with society.
The issue of slavery was fiercely debated using Biblical scripture to support both sides of the argument. Today, the issue is homosexuality. New name, old fight. Tomorrow it’ll be gluttony or some other thing.
We choose scripture to support our personal prejudices, whatever they may be. The Bible offers plenty of fodder in a long-winded exhortation written by ancient people from cultures that are dead.
Thank God for Free Thinkers, Christians, Athiests etc who seek the Truth. We should all seek the truth without prejudice. I believe there is a God (or an unseen force in the unniverse). I was brought up a Christian and believed everything in the bible. One day I went to God and asked him to reveal to me the Truth about everything. I didn’t want answers from my Pastor or any other man or woman, I wanted answers directly from God (if he was real).Would you believe that God led me into the study of other world religeons, anthropology, archaeology, sociology, biology, psychology. I also had these thoughts: The bible was not written by God himself it was written by ‘mere humans’ who say they got their messages from God. What if a good portion of the bible was made up?
My heart says there is a God but that the bible may not all be true and my head says there is a God but parts of the bible are definately not true.
There is evidence of an unseen force in the universe, and that this force takes part occassionally in peoples daily lives. For example, the other day I recieved a strong (something) to travel home before the morning ended on the 10th Jan, 2011(I commute between two cities once a week).Luckily for me I did do this because on that day and the proceeding 2 days our country (Australia) had the biggest flood in recorded history. 12 people have been found dead so far as a result of it with 40 or so missing. If I had left for home on the afternoon of that day I am convinced that I would have perished in that deluge.
There is much that we do not understand yet, and, to say that we can make a decision one way or the other based on our present understandings is to tread on perilous grounds. How often have any of us once understood anything so clearly only to have it shattered in a moment by more recent understandings?
My point is, regardless of our present beliefs, lets not any of us say that we have all of the answers. Christians and other religeous people should study in detail science and Athiests should study in detail the spiritual.
May Truth Justice and Compassion prevail.
Hey man, Im a 14 month old Christian but a 26 year old dude, I love Jesus with all my heart, and dude – as hard as it is – I try to love people like that as well. I lead two Bible studies per week in the Seattle area, a place a few years back deemed to be the least churched area in the nation. I just wanted to let you know that your articles are great, even though you try to take shots at God and the Bible. There is a sweet humor behind what you are doing and it’s awesome that God is working in you and you are spending so much time in the Bible and thinking about it. There is nothing wrong with not understanding God and what he’s doing with our vain existence and the world as a whole. Ill keep you in my prayers man. You’re not alone in being a dushbag towards your creator, I do it everyday. Keep on seeking the Truth my friend – there is nothing you can do to run from God bro. No matter how hard you try and how smart you think you are. The Bible, which is His living eternal word says that Hes is always there even when we are not
. Its all about Jesus man. I pray that God unblinds you to see that. Keep it real, you’re a solid dude.
Pray all you like, ‘bro’. Whatever makes you happy.
Here’s something for you to consider, seeing as we’re apparently having a meaningful exchange of opinions.
” There is nothing you can do to run from God bro. No matter how hard you try and how smart you think you are. ”
Isn’t that like saying that you can’t run from the Easter bunny. He’ll always get you. Damn, that scares the shit out of me.
And buddy, i hope that you to open your eyes and see what the world really is, not just what you want to see.
Sorry that you see me as trying to get smart, but, didn’t God create us with this huge ‘thinking organ’ we call a Brain?
Some Truth to think about without trying to prove what we havn’t seen…..
True christians, according to the bible, display the following:
1. Cast out demons. Speak many languages. Pick up deadly snakes. Drink deadly poison. Heal (all) the sick.
2. Possess great faith – enough to move a whole mountain, tell a tree to plant itself in the middle of the sea, and, have whatever you say or ask.
3. The fruit of the Spirit – love, joy peace longsuffering, gentleness, meekness etc.
4. Give all their possessions to the poor.
5. Are servents and slaves, not, rulers or the rich.
How many professing christians are all of these things or have all of these qualities?
I hope and pray that you ‘do’ and that soon all of the hospitals in your area are empty, there are no more people in wheelchairs, no more poor people and that all of your prayers for the human race are answered before too many more of us die or become poorer.
By the way, I don’t think God thinks of us as a ‘vain existence’. Actually, we must be the most important part in the universe because both God and Lucifer (the most powerful entities in the universe) are in constant conflict over us.
Anyway, don’t let me stop you from doing good works for, or, praying for your fellow humans. Stay away from pride, arrogance, or, from burning other peoples religeous or other books.
What is an “atheist”? Suposidly some one who does not believe in a Higher Power. What a joke. Do you obey the traffic laws of the land? Do you pay taxes? There is no such thing as antheist!! Just some one who wants to do his own thing. LOLLOLOLOL
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