A Bible Study by the only people truly qualified to study the bible — those who don't believe.

As most of us know, the Westboro Baptist Church is a rather vicious group of ultra-fundamentalist Christians. Most of us have seen them on the TV or in the newspapers standing up for their savage and intense interpretation of God’s will and cheering the death of soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan. They hold up signs with witty and inspirational slogans such as “Thank God for 9/11,” “Thank God for IEDs” the improvised explosive devices in Iraq, and their hateful little manta, “God hates fags.” Their basic moral belief is that their kind and merciful God, in righteous anger over the fact that we do not hunt gays down and burn them alive, has set out to teach the United States a lesson. This “lesson” comes in the form of brutal deaths around the country and overseas of our soldiers and citizens. In their righteous opinion, everything bad that happens in the world is directly tied to the world’s acceptance of homosexuality. A terrorist bombs Iraq? God sent him because of fags in San Francisco. Coal mine collapses in Appalachia? God slaughtered those miners due to three cases of anal sex in Connecticut. 9/11?  Well, this is summed up briefly in the message on another of their signs: God = America’s terrorist. Ain’t that sweet, a Christian God using Islam to punish a Christian nation.  Yeah… It may sound a bit odd, but these same rationales were used constantly throughout the crusades to justify the defeats Christian crusaders often suffered at the hands of a Moslem army.  It’s sure easier than admitting “Holy shitcakes Batman, we made a mistake.”  Some ideas and some jackasses never change.

But the basic Westboro belief system is fascinating. Think about it. If every evil that befalls us is the result of gay acceptance and if you extrapolate out these beliefs, you come to some interesting conclusions. For one, apparently nothing bad ever happened in the world before gays were tolerated. Medieval times, when gays were burned at the stake, must have been some kind of Westboro utopia, sun shining, clear skies, and everyone living happily ever after, a real manna from heaven time. Never mind the black plague, Starvation, Viking pillagers, the murder and rape of thousands and several million other atrocities every year. Those must be lies, plain and simple. Without homosexuality the world is beautiful. Without homosexuality, God loves us again.

Let me make this part as clear as I can. I think the Westboro Baptists are the most hateful Christian group in the States and one of the most noxious mercy-forsaken sects on the planet today. They would rank even higher on the world list but vast herds of jackasses like the Taliban set the bar so Goddamned high. Never-the-less, in their own right, These people are evil and spread this evil like a disease around the world. They revel in the pain of others so firm in their own righteousness. They sicken me, but my feelings and even yours or all of society’s is irrelevant to truth. Just because I like a particular ideology or belief or fairy tale has absolutely no relation to its truth. If it were so the sunlight of Middle Earth would shine through the windows of my cozy little hobbit hole every singe morning. But alas, even the greatest of fictional tales with millions of followers remain just that, fictional. So the real questions to ask are these. Is their view of Yahweh fundamentally wrong? Do they understand the will of an Old Testament Yahweh or are they all just shit-assed crazy bitches trying to start another genocide?

Not as easy to answer as you may think, but I think I have it.  The answer, of course, is both. Plain and simply, they’re shit-assed crazy bitches because they have rightly and correctly interpreted the overall ethical tone of the Bible. I think they have the original Judeo-Christian ethic down exactly like the ancient Yahwehists would. I think they have the temperament and infantile maturity of the great Lord Genocide understood to the nth degree. They are dead shitting on! Would Yahweh have killed soldiers to punish a nation for its “sins” and remember, sin is solely not being in accord with the insanity of Yahweh? Of course he would have.  Hell yeah!  This is the God who by his own sacred accounts killed nearly every man, woman and child on the planet because they weren’t listening to him. This is the jack-off of a god who killed all the first-born of Egypt because of the supposed sins of their Pharaoh. This is a God who allowed an entire nation to be cursed into slavery because one ancient ancestor saw his father naked. WTF people? Killing a few soldiers because of an increase in gay sex seems perfectly normal compared to the atrocities listed in scripture. By the standards of morality laid out in the Old Testament, It’s a fairly light punishment. If he were real; word to the wise, he isn’t; so please move on. But if he were having all the bassinets in the United States burst into flame and the babies within suffer agonized deaths would be right in line with biblical righteousness. You think I lie? Read the book. Learn the great moral lessons stored within. The Bible is a book of atrocities that of all the people who profess to follow its teachings, only the Westboro Bastards… I mean Baptists truly grok. Everyone else, and I do mean every single one, has watered the great and powerful Oz’s teachings down to the point they are actually almost sane and rational. Almost… Well, not really, but a little more so, anyway.  Hell, forget I said that.

And the WestBoro sumbitches and the other fundamentalist jackoffs are not as far off as they would have you think. Although many fundies disagree with their precise tactics, most of these same people would agree with their basic assessment of the situation: tolerance of homosexuality = God’s wrath on the world. There are few evangelicals who would argue against this bullshit idea. Of course, the vast majority would never blame the death of our troops on the sins of our nation. Come on people! That would be unpatriotic, and this war is nothing if not blessed by God. Remember you doubters, Bush prayed before he invaded.  God is on our side.  But AIDS as a punishment for anal sex? Absolutely! An earth shattering and indiscriminate disease for a little cock to cock action? Obviously, you fools! All the children and other innocents who have died? Since when has Yahweh ever been concerned with innocent or collateral damage? By the standards of Exodus, I’d be rather surprised he didn’t target them specifically.  The Westboro Baptists have nailed it perfectly,  God is a bastard.  They know! It’s just of all the Christians on earth, they admit it and still follow the fucktard anyway.

Now, I understand that in most evangelical eyes these divine punishments are not limited to sins of homosexuals. That’s just the greatest deviation their narrow little minds can comprehend. But sins of all types bring down the wrath of God. Divorce, abortion, fornication, lying, cheating, voting for Democrats and masturbation are all examples of things which god hates, particularly those last two, so remember that all you budding artists of the joystick. To most fundamentalists, especially the Westboro bastards, God is a hateful Shitass just waiting for someone to screw up so he can bring down one of his patented atrocities onto humankind. This is the only conclusion one can arrive at with an unbiased look at the Bible.

It’s just that most of his horrors fall on the innocent, for it seems God has a shitty aim.