How to Climb an Altar and the Invention of Underwear.
I know this clip only has a tertiary relation to the post, but hey, it’s Monty Python.
Finally, after many diversions, we are back to the Bible. C’mon, you know the one, the end-all of moral guidance, the be-all of spiritual well-being, and of course, the book that tells of the invention of underwear. What? You didn’t know? Biblical illiteracy is so sad, but just wait, you ignorant bastards. The Blessed Atheist knows what you need. You’ll see.
Exodus 20/18
So the Ten Commandments have just been given to mankind, and it is such a great gift that all the people are so in awe that they are standing at a distance, terrified of the special effects Moses has created on the mountain. I mean fire, smoke and loud noises, and just how the hell could anyone mimic those? Obviously, it was by divine action for who could have ever thought of the clever idea of setting the mountain on fire and banging on a drum. That was obviously way beyond the technology of the time. Holy shit man, think! It’s fire!
All the people perceived the thunder and the lightning flashes and the sound of the trumpet and the mountain smoking; and when the people saw it, they trembled and stood at a distance. Then they said to Moses, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen; but let not God speak to us, or we will die.” Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid; for God has come in order to test you, and in order that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin.”
Now Old Moses has the people worked up into a quaking and foaming terror. They beg him not to let God talk to them directly for they must be killed by the mere sound of their all-loving and perfect God. He couldn’t have toned it down a bit? Hmmm? But he doesn’t seem to be able to. Let’s look closer at events because it’s obvious that the Hebrews are in no shape to do so. Moses has them so witless they are pissing in their loin cloths. In this state, he can do anything with them, anything!
Think about cult leaders we all have read about and you will realize that this is purposeful. In their terror, they will see what he says is there. Intimidated, they’ll not look too closely at the “miracle” he has wrought, and he can’t let them get too close and has warned them more than once about setting foot on the mountain. Keep in mind that anyone who comes close will be stoned to death. If you keep everyone afraid and at a distance, the smoke and mirrors work wonderfully. Let them get too close, however, and they begin to see the illusion.
But it is that last line that I find most interesting. On admitting their fear, Moses seems to allay it, right? “Do not be afraid,” he says. Does he mean this? Is he trying to put them at ease? A careful look at the next line clears those questions right up. “for God has come in order to test you, and in order that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin.” Let’s paraphrase that, shall we? “Don’t be afraid for God is here to test you and make you so afraid that you obey him and make that fear live within you for the rest of your life. Then you’ll be so fearful that you’ll never piss God (or Moses) off by thinking for yourself.”
So now that Moses has re-stoked their terror, he approaches “God” alone for further instructions. God at this time is a cloud, a thick cloud. Really! I’m serious! He’s not some 600 foot bronze figure striding around the hilltop. He’s a wispy bit of vapor. Again God tells Moses to never worship other gods because if they did Moses wouldn’t be in charge anymore. Well, that’s how I interpret it anyway, but you’ll all notice the repetition here. Apparently, God wasn’t quite sure if Moses heard the second commandment or not. Perhaps, Yahweh speaks with a lisp or got a bit wasted that morning and was slurring his words. Who knows!
‘You shall make an altar of earth for Me, and you shall sacrifice on it your burnt offerings and your peace offerings, your sheep and your oxen; in every place where I cause My name to be remembered, I will come to you and bless you.
So build an earthen mound and start killing stuff on it because killing stuff makes God happy. If anyone ever tells you that God doesn’t demand worship, please point out their bullshit by using this verse. “You shall make an altar! You shall sacrifice!” This is the same language used in the ten commandments, “You shall,” and we all know that those weren’t optional. Therefore, God demands worship and sacrifice. Why? Because perfection has needs! Perfection needs bitches, dammit! Why be perfect if someone isn’t going to proclaim it constantly. Duh!
‘If you make an altar of stone for Me, you shall not build it of cut stones, for if you wield your tool on it, you will profane it.’
Oddly, God doesn’t like cut stones. We don’t know why, nor do we care much. Although, wielding your “tool” on it, if you know what I mean, would “profane” many things in my eyes also. Ooh! The visual that idea stirred actually triggered a bit of gag reflex. Sad when I disgust even myself. It’s the boilermaker coming out in me. Sorry.
I do have to wonder how they cut stones with “it” though. Never mind! I don’t think I could deal with the suggestions.
But now comes the event you’ve all been waiting for.
‘And you shall not go up by steps to My altar, so that your nakedness will not be exposed on it.’
First we have a proscription against use of your “tool” and now underwear. Now before you think that I’ve lead you astray, let me quote from the notes of my Study Bible. “Men who ascended stepped altars would expose their nakedness in the presence of God. Although Aaron and his descendants served at stepped altars, they were instructed to wear linen undergarments.” Hence Biblical confirmation of the historicity of underwear. Yay! God blesses us so. Nothing about the germ theory of disease or crop rotation but, goddamn it man, we got underwear. Unfortunately, the Bible does not clear up the question of whether they were boxers or briefs so, alas, the war rages on.
Why this all this disgust with the naked human body? A great question because I was raised to believe we were made in God’s own image. Is he so ashamed of his own little pecker that he can’t tolerate anyone else showing of their manliness? Does he have a sensitive stomach? What is with these Abrahamic religions and their nudity taboos? The more fundamentalist they get, the more skin they cover. Personally, I think Abraham must have gotten a hell of a sunburn after a night of heavy drinking and vowed to never go unclothed again. Hey, it makes sense. They live in a desert after all!
To tell the truth, there is a double negative in that sentence so it could mean that God wants his priests to flash their willies at him. That would explain all those Catholic scandals of the last few decade. The perv! Or maybe I should write The Perv!
Fascinating is it, though? The Good Book gives the prohibition of murder one short line, four whole words, but building altars to the greatness of God? That gets 12 lines and 96 words not including the second mention of idol banning, of course. Shows where we rank, huh?
On the serious side, I keep returning to the fear part, “that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin.” Doesn’t this sound like a fine life? Fear and terror lurking over your shoulder as long as you live, terrified that God will bring judgement onto your head for sinful lapses. It’s much like that famous sermon preached by Jonathan Edwards in the early 18th century “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God!” I’ll give it to those Calvinists. They do come up with some mighty catchy titles for their stock of hate and fear.
Can you now see how religion becomes a security blanket making all who follow it feel safe and warm. Yeah… Me neither.
Truly, fear and hope are the two most powerful weapons in anyone’s arsenal. Fear of pain. Fear of death. Hope of some relief. Hope of some salvation. Religions capitalize on these most potent of arms better than everyone else for they can extend the range of both threats and redemption far beyond a mere mortal life. They convince their followers that the suffering is indefinite, the rewards eternal.
They up the ante of the game betting heavily and forcing all others to call. They demand you match their imaginary bets with your real life. They play with make-believe funds and you play with very real and precious hours and days and years.
The only real solution is not to call their bluff. It’s to fold, simply fold. The way to win is to not play. Just lay your cards down and walk away.
This is a game unworthy of us.
So, don’t do good things (whatever your definition of good) because, well they’re good things, do them because you fear punishment. Doesn’t say much for the morals of your average literalist, does it, that the only thing apparently stopping them from going on a rampaging crime spree is fear. Come to think of it, a common description of a good person was that they were god-fearing. Never god *loving*, only fearing. Hmmm.
KK, it’s not just you. The ‘tool’ puns flooded into my mind too. And talking of phallic synonyms, you need an ‘s’ on the end of ‘weapon’ in the third from last paragraph. /spelling-pedantry.
Just a thought about the possible volcaniic origins of all the smoke & mirr.. vapours involved in this passage. I seem to recall reading that the Delphic oracles spent much of their time half-stoned on natural gas-seepages. I wonder if there’s an element of that going on here.
I’m off to scrub my brain. I need to get rid of the images of up-loincloth views of Hebrew priests ascending stairs… *shudder*
Whatever do you mean?! This is one of the good bits! Well, for ladies, anyhow–Yahweh knows, there are few enough of those. But they left out the part where the ladies are sitting at the bottom of the stairs with their clipboards and, like Madeleine Kahn in a Mel Brook’s movie, sit there separating the wheat from the chaff, as it were. “No…no….no…no….no….Yes!….no….no….no….no….no….no….Yes!….no….no….no…no….()…..YES!”
Ah yes. History of the World Part One. A great movie when you’re fourteen. Now? I’m not so sure. Haven’t seen it in 25years… Wow! I’m old. Sigh.
It’s been longer than that since I’ve seen it myself…but I always liked Madeleine Kahn in that bit:)) She had tremendous comedic talent.
Your mention of Jonathan Edwards raises an interesting, if little known point. His sermon is often used in American lit texts as the prime example of the Puritan style in early America. In truth, however, this sermon was a miserable failure. A man in Edwards’s congregation committed suicide, leaving a note to say that Brother Jonathan’s sermons made him so depressed and terrified that he could no longer continue in life.
IN time, the complaints of his congregation piled up in the offices of the leaders of the church and the church officially removed him from the ministry. They, too, found his sermons unchristian and filled with hatred of his flock. He never preached another sermon for the rest of his life and became a bureaucrat in Department of Indian Affairs, so perhaps his religious mania was inflicted on the defenseless Native Americans in his “care.” No wonder their descendants are so suspicious of our government.
Unfortunately, modern Christianoids have drifted so far from the teachings of Reb Yeshua that many of them look on Edwards’s sermons as monuments of true Christian doctrine, though even the man’s contemporaries knew better. Ironic, ain’t it?
With love under will,
Bob, Adastra,
The Wizzard of Jacksonville
The difficulty here was that “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” was preached over six years after the suicides. Edwards, while still popular throughout the world of the Great Awakening, was unpopular in his own church. They increasingly limited what he did and eventually forced him out.
His sermons calling for a harder religion in most ways is reminiscent of modern fundamentalism. I see the problem of Edwards as this: although he certainly was the major impetus for the Great Awakening, like so many other events and movements, it eventually moved beyond him and went its own way. While being fresh and new fifteen years before, he became seen as the old guard and increasingly irrelevant. That’s the thing about leading revolutions, often they just Get out of control and do their own things. Everyone thinks they can control chaos, but few ever do.
I still find it a bit sad that after starting a revolution, he was kicked out and disgraced and died before redeeming himself in his own eyes.
Interesting! Did not know that about Jonathon Edwards (but why am I thinking Cotton Mather? Is American Lit all mixed up in my mind?).
(That’s funny–we were just talking about American Lit over at Daz’ forum )
Howdy there, are you having difficulties with the hosting? I needed to refresh the page about huge number of times in order to get the page to run!
@Amy O
in a Mel Brook’s movie
Amy, Amy, Amy. Mel Brook’s?
My grandfather’s favorite movie was Blazing Saddles:)) (No–that’s not strictly true–it was his second favorite. Cat Ballou with Lee Marvin was his favorite:-)) Over-the-top-parody is funny when it’s done well–I’m a Python girl, too. Come to think of it, Monty Python is on my profile list of favorites, but Mel Brooks isn’t, so maybe I liked it in high school, and just remember the occasional funny bit now.
The funniest movie ever made,though, was Charlie Chaplin’s “The Circus”. The gauntlet is thrown down–can you top it?:))
“The funniest movie ever made,though, was Charlie Chaplin’s “The Circus”.”
No, no, no… ‘This Is Spinal Tap.’
Or possibly ‘Young Einstein.’ I’m going to stop thinking about this now, before twenty others occur to me.
Oh yeah–I can’t believe I forgot This is Spinal Tap! That’s because my brain only goes to ten… Ok, well, split into silent and talkies. Spinal Tap is a talkie…
Well, mine goes to 11 for those times I need a little extra.
Of course in reality, often times it only goes to 7. 6 in the early morning. But I figure this is fine as long as I don’t choke on my own vomit or spontaneously combust. Thank Darwin I’ve never taken up drumming!
Spinal Tap was made by drunk but incredibly talented human gods. Wonderful stuff.
Hmm? Funniest movie ever? Let me think.
Mr. Hulot’s Holiday.
Monsieur Capps–une selection vraiment fantastique! (Je m’excuse–je ne sais pas comment on doit ecrire les accents en Windows:((
I only know of Jacques Tati–but I’ve never seen that film. Just watched a clip (where he *almost* goes riding) on YouTube–Hilarious!! I’m still giggling–thanks for the introduction:)) One of the comments, though, ran as follows:
(trans: brilliant–unbelievable this Charlie Chaplin of France, but too bad this is unknown and forgotten in France)
The Charlie Chaplin of France? I’d say that makes us even:-))
Another commenter noted that Monsieur Hulot was Rowan Atkinson’s inspiration for Mr. Bean, whom I also adore (Daz put up Atkinson’s The Schoolmaster over at his site–hysterical!).