Of Christian Jackasses And Bob Hutton: A Tragicomedy In One Part
Have you ever run into one of those people who has firm convictions yet little real comprehension of why, someone who deletes any forthright comment on his own site, but when his hateful bullshit gets deleted at other sites, he whines about people infringing on his freedoms and howls about persecution, someone who proudly brags about how the perfect justice of “his god” involves the eternal torture of sinners but simultaneously considers being banned as unfair, someone who will just make up cute little stories of atheists coming to Jesus but swear that he can’t give any proof because those people would then be in danger, in other words someone who is a jackass? I mean a real nutless butt-plug of a jackass. I’m sure you know the kind.
Bob Hutton is one of those. His blog is here and as you will see with any in-depth read, he’s about as nutlessly butt-pluggy as one can get and still speak the language. This site packs in the very worst of arguments the Christianoids have dredged out of their intellectually fetid swamp. Trumpeting the “meaning” of every set back atheists experience, he blithely ignores any similar occurrence to his own group. His website trumpets several hellfire and brimstone, “Sinners in the hands of an angry god” type posts mixed with the most banal and obviously manufactured fairy tales to support his predetermined truth. But the comments are the best. He’ll delete or ignore many that make him look an idiot while responding to those he thinks he can master. I strongly urge you not to leave comments there and leave them here instead. Here, we delete nothing. Here, the battleground is level.
In truth, the most hilarious comments are those fawning subservient ones that he very likely just made up himself.
Comments like this concerning God’s role in the last American election.
“Another great article brother Bob, good information, I had no idea Obama had suffered such a huge defeat.”
Really? You didn’t know that? or:
“Great article Bob, the sovereignty of God in salvation is a wonderful reassurance. No king but Christ!”
Holy sheep shit Batman, but the quality of the lickspittle here is appalling. Could he find no real person to pat him on the back that he had to make some up? I have to wonder what other imaginary friends he has. Snuffaluffagus? Harvey? Deep throat?
Judging by the enemies he has made, he spends fully half of his time trolling other’s websites all bubbly with promises of the eternal torture to be suffered by any who disagree with him. Read this post from The Freethinker to see great examples. In fact, you can see this talk of pain and suffering gets him aroused, if you know what I mean. It’s quite obviously his kink. Now most people feel a bit guilty of the naughtier thoughts running through their head, but Bob brilliantly avoids this by incorporating kinky shit right into religion. If God loves torture then surely Bob can get off on it a bit. Likely, he fantasizes about joining in all the fun on Judgement Day. Ah, the screams of the tormented, the fear in their eyes, the pleas for mercy, these are the thoughts that give old Bob a chubby. Thoughts of red-hot pokers and the rack are his pornography, the tearful pleading of those who have wronged him his erotica. He likely drifts off to such dreams while lying between the mildly damp sheets of his bed. Sad really.
“However, these perverts need to remember that “the mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small”. God bides His time. There is no need for Christians to incite hatred or violence against them (indeed, it is wrong to do such) – God will judge them in His own time and in His own way. One hopes that they will see the error of their ways and repent, casting themselves upon a merciful God who will pardon those who plead with Christ for mercy. However, should they continue in their depravity then they WILL face eternal torments when they die. One second in Hell will be enough to wipe out all their “pleasant” memories when they willingly engaged in these vile pursuits.”
“Depravity… Whack! Whack! Whack! Torments… Whack! Whack! Whack! Hell… Whack! Whack! Oh, oh, ooooh, Lord Jeeeesus!” And once he rests up, he can always hope for a “second coming” later in the evening. In my mind’s eye, Bob is severely sexually repressed, but he’s the kind that you fervently hope stays repressed. Darwin help anyone who opens that Pandora’s box because when they do, some shit’s going to happen.
You have fun tonight, Bob. I’ll send you a picture of myself so you can get the fantasy right; I promise. I hate being misrepresented in sadistic dreams.
BTW, I hope you’re into 40-year-old fat guys.
The fact that he has four followers says it all.
BTW, I completely forgot to give Daz credit for helping with this post. What a jackass I am! Stupid godforsaken evolutionary brain! In my humble defense, I meant to insert it but… somehow… didn’t. So letting everyone know that Daz helped me here and one paragraph is completely his. I’ll let ya’ll guess as to which it is. (It’s one of the pithier ones. You know how good he is with puns.)
Sorry Daz. I’m a jackass.
As another BTW, I sincerely hope that PZ is wrong and Kurzweil’s correct on the near merging of mind an machine. I could use the upgrade. KK 2.0 will be a welcome purchase.
Twas only half a paragraph mate, no worries. Though I’ll admit to some curiosity as to whether folks can spot my bit.
As to the mind-machine thing, I’d be happy with a Windows-like System Restore, that takes the settings back to a previous date (say around age 20) but leaves accumulated data intact.
I reckon it’s the christianoids paragraph Daz. I recall you liked that word.
Wrong, that was mine. I took that word from Mr. Pendell. Always kind a liked that term. Sorry Anonymous.
No. That wasn’t me it was… Damnit, can’t remember the name. I think it was the person who signs his posts ‘wizzard of Jacksonville’. My apologies to him for forgetting his name.
Aah so it was, I can remember you talking about it. Haha I was the first anon.. I forgot to key my details in too.
I am enjoying the advert to visit the holy land at the top of this post. Makes me chuckle every time I log on. Did I say chuckle? Maybe I meant gag…
Odd, I was expecting it to be a Brit who spotted it, too
You’re looking for half a sentence, by the way, KK exaggerated my input somewhat.
Half a paragraph. Doh
Damn.. I love a challenge but this is tricky. Both of you have the knack of being angry, cutting and very funny all with the same sentence. Arses. I’ll have another guess once I’ve re-read the post for the umpteenth time.
Got it…. ‘chap’ no self respecting boilermaker would use the word chap!
Obviously, Paul is unaware of this particular boilermaker’s need to learn both Cockney and a middle British accent. Not that I’m doing a particularily bang up job of it chaps!
Paul, I’m surprised you didn’t get it with the array of puns in use. Daz’s calling card.
Well, if you like a challenge…
Good lad! That’s mine. Thou shalt have a gold star (not a BSA) on thy term-report.
“Not that I’m doing a particularily bang up job of it chaps!”
You seem to have the aristocratic jargon pinned down nicely though.
Problem is, I’m a yokel and Paul’s a northerner. Not exactly what you’re after…
Ah, but you threw in several puns yourself this time. Kinda muddied the trail.
I like to keep people guessing. And it was fun. I think we scared him off a bit the the united front. It’s funny nthat in places where they try to keep him out he won’t stay out and places where he’s invited in he won’t come.
I prefer to think of it as the superiority of the intellectual assault here drove him off.
Hmmm. ‘Superior intellect’ doesn’t say much, considering what it’s superior to, though. Did you see the horrible message that appeared on his last post yesterday, btw? (The Eaten For Breakfast one, not the new one that went up this morning) Sickening!
OT (as if that’s new round here), but I’m just writing a piece on measuring the speed of light with a microwave and melty foodstuffs. Should be fun for kids. It’ll be up in a couple of hours at most.
Oops, forgot to fill the for in. Second Anon was me.
Wow–this has to be the longest thread ever at BABS! Went from 65 yesterday to 85 today….”Holy Cow–what did I miss while I was sleeping?!”
Oooh–a fun guessing game (pooching out cheeks)…I always miss the good stuff…(kicking a rock…). Yes–”chap”, that would be Daz’ contribution, I expect.
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Ah, me old mate Bob. Fixated on dead folks and homosexuals, he is. Does make one wonder exactly what type of ‘torture’ features in his visions…
Why don’t we invite him to the discussion and find out. Although, I’m quite sure that certain boxes should remain left unopened. Ah what the hell, bring him in!
Done.
Oh dear–what, exactly, did you do? ….
What’s wrong with sadistic fantasies with 40 year old fat men? ;p
Back on topic, yes I’ve met several of these, I believe I may even be related to one or two.
These jackoffs are a dime a dozen in the religious blogging world. Anything that doesn’t slavishly flatter vanishes. It’s like a big jesus circlejerk.
“It’s like a big jesus circlejerk”
That’s what the cardinal said about da Vinci’s first draft of the Last Supper.
First Draft of the Last Supper? Sorry, it can’t be helped:
The Penultimate Supper
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Sexual enjoyment of sadistic torture? That went on for so long in the catholic church, that I’m pretty sure by now it’s an evolved trait. Indeed, after the initial speciation event of the Reformation, Adaptive Radiation saw the spreading of that particular trait even into the Americas (apparently they came over on boats with the rats), expressed strongly in the daughter species Homo tortuous puritannicus with subsequent evolution into the modern species Homo sadisticus falwellensis and subspecies Homo sadisticus phelpspithicus. Several other discovered specimens are currently grouped into the phelpspithicus subspecies as they await further identification, which may be given full species status if the discovered specimens are discovered to be reproductively isolated. Residual Old World populations have continued to evolve and are now dominated by Homo molestor
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If you haven’t recently eaten, have a look at this post over at Jerry Coyne’s (WEIT). He was just in Colombia, and visited the Palace of the Inquisition in Cartagena:
instruments of torture
The Westboro Baptists have got nuthin’ on the Spanish Inquisition.
Best viewed on an empty stomach, and don’t go in swimming for, what, an hour.
What we’re dealing with here is the common, or garden, variety of Homo Evangelicus Masurbatarius. Easily antagonised, it spends most of its time pasting biblical passages into internet forums and shouting deranged nonsense on street-corners. Best kept muzzled. Or sedated.
“Oh dear–what, exactly, did you do?”
Why, we’ve invited Daniel into the lion’s den. It seemed appropriate.
“First Draft of the Last Supper?”
Okay we’re even, you got me back for spotting your unintentional ‘holey’ pun the other day.
The link Amy forgot to add the url into
Again? This is the weirdest cold I’ve ever had–coughing for weeks on end, sneezing, and an inability to link correctly. Can cold viruses do that? Thanks for fixing me link!
“…and an inability to link correctly. Can cold viruses do that?”
You’ve not heard of internet viruses?
Really? My field guide has Homo Evangelicus as the common species, the one you see all the time on T.V., and H. e. masturbatarius as a subspecies. There still appears to be a fair amount of interbreeding between the two, hence the subspecies status for H. e. masturbatarius…
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You mean I got this cold from my computer?! Well, that explains the snot running out of the USB port…
That’s not snot, its ectoplasm. Fortunately for you, the RCC is currently training extra exorcists…
You mean like this?
Some people have way too much time on their hands…
Damn Amy! No one could put it better. I may have to use all this sometime. Mind if I borrow it?
Go right ahead!
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And Coynes post is seriously disturbing. Good thing it’s morning. i’d have a hard time sleeping with those images in my brain. The things people do to each other in the name of a loving God. Religion always ends as a joke, a remarkably unfunny one.
Hey there
You MUST repent of your filth and depravity and accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, or you will face eternal Hellfire.
When you write abusive comments about me you are increasing my reward in Heaven.
Bob
Ah, but one man’s filth and depravity, Bob, is another’s humour. Just like one man’s ‘moderation’ is another’s stifling of free speech. Or one’s ‘castigation’ of homosexuals is another’s harassment.
Seeing as you’re here, where you can’t ignore the question and pretend it hasn’t been asked, could you please answer the following?
The central point you use to harangue atheists, homosexuals, and other symbols of a free and open society, is that their acts are forbidden by the Bible, so could you please show us:
1: How you know there is a god of any kind.
2: How you know that the god portrayed in the Bible is that god.
3: How you know that the Bible is the actual inerrant word of that god.
4: How you know that your interpretation of that book is the correct one.
Further, would you not agree that, if your goal really is, as stated, to bring the sinner back to the fold, then using words with a high negative connotation, like ‘pervert’, to describe them might be just a little counter-productive?
As always, Bob, we await your answer. It’s just that this time everyone else knows the question’s been asked, unlike when you decide it’s too difficult and don’t allow it past what you charmingly call ‘moderation’. Welcome to the land of free speech Bubba. Ain’t it grand?
You must think we are complete idiots who will be scared by your empty threats about a nonexistent hell. The problem with the meaningless promise of heaven is that it allows injustice to continue on earth.
Nearly all of the things you say is sgplrisinupy precise and that makes me ponder the reason why I had not looked at this in this light before. Your piece really did turn the light on for me personally as far as this subject goes. But at this time there is one issue I am not too cozy with and whilst I attempt to reconcile that with the central idea of your point, permit me see what the rest of the readers have to point out.Well done.
Google the words “How we know the Bible is true” and click on links.
The comments on my web site are genuine, I didn’t make them up.
Bob, I can find any number of sites on the internet supporting any number of views of the Bible, the Koran, or Playboy for that matter. Please address point one before moving on. Without establishing the existence of a god there’s no point in talking about which god, which book, or which interpretation.
You tell him Daz. The thing we’d really like to know Bob is what makes you different from fundamentalist Islam with it’s inerrant word of God, perfect deity and tortuous hellfire, its oppression of women fully supported by god’s word, it’s flawless consistency and its peaceful support of all mankind while hurling violent imprecations at any who disagree. What makes your imaginary truth more true than theirs? What makes your imaginary Lord of Genocide better than their illusory sky murderer? Really Bob, just google it? I expected better.
The point here Bob is that to the uninitiated (unbrainwashed) all fundamentalist religions appear exactly as the shit that they are, hateful spiteful and full of people who get off on creating pain in others. Your particular brand of hate just happens to be worse than most.
I’m still working on that picture for you Bob. I’m just having a hard time deciding on what color of underwear to sport. Or perhaps au naturelle. All these damned choices.
As for these genuine comments… ah… yeah.
KK, the spandex hot-pants, I’m sure.
Ouch! Brain-scrub time…
Your claims are not congruent with reality, Bob. The Bible is demonstrably full of errors, even of the most mundane sort. Only fools and frauds would believe that the absurd claims of the Bible are true when the Bible cannot even get the basics right.
Bob,
I won’t waste my time googling for fairy stories.. However why don’t you try googling for any other holy scripture of your choice.
You will find that they are all true too.. WTF. How’s that work? Oh I know, it’s because they are all equally stinking of bullsh1t.
That is amazing. Everything is true. Nothing is false. It’s an incredible world that can hold as truth dozens of contradictory truths all of them perfectly consistent with logic.
Poor Bob. Wouldn’t you just love to peek into is mind. It would be fascinating but I’m pretty sure I’d regret it later.
Bob, you already waste time spreading your own imaginary stories about the god you invented for yourself. Like so many others, you make your god in your image and tell the Bible what it should mean.
You are acting exactly like the self-righteous hypocrites that Jesus is said to have excoriated for their vile self-righteousness, but, of course, you ignore any of Jesus’ teachings that don’t fit with your preconceived notions about what should be. Keep inventing your religion and we’ll keep laughing at you.
Sorry, Paul, this belonged as a response to one of Bob the Bozo’s comments.
Damn. I like that. That’s going in the book.
Second that! Sweet, and to the point. Well said, Mr. Freelunch!
Reply to KK Bundy: You say “poor Bob”. It will be poor you on the judgement day if you die in your sins. I will be in Heaven worshipping the Lord and you will be in Hell. I urge you to repent while you still have the opportunity. It will be too late after you die.
The issues, Bob. Address the issues. Are you incapable of rational debate? Can you do nothing but spout banalities?
Oh Bob. I’m sure that you really do believe that you will be celebrating your ascent into heaven where Allah will reward you by giving you 72 virgins for blowing up a few people on a subway somewhere. But Bob, don’t you realize there is a vast sea of belief out there and your particular little slice is no more coherent that all the rest.
Whether Nirvana is going to be your reward or you’ll sit relaxing with everful cups of mead in the halls of old Wodin one eye, there is no proof, no evidence. Scream about fear and agony all you like, you beliefs have no more believability that my current theory about the world being run by a cabal of green, bi-sexual sasquatches allied with highly intelligent fungus. Worship the mushrooms man! Worship the mushrooms. Our end is at hand!
I do say “poor Bob” for I believe that people living in fear and ignorance is sad. And people who spread it willingly are shameful. Enjoy the photo.
Wow–this is what happens when I go make dinner and get the kids to bed?
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I would very much like to know how exactly we are to determine whether Mr. Bob is a human or a machine. Can we run a Turing Test to find out whether we are conversing (I use that term loosely) with an actual person, or merely a Random Fundamentalist Generator? Given the similar nature of all his remarks, the fact that he doesn’t actually attempt to answer questions put directly to him, and that he merely pastes snips of our comments into his own–I’m leaning toward the latter…
“Random Fundamentalist Generator”
Reminded me of this and this again, from Edward Current.
Everyone should check his channel. He’s brilliant.
I expect Bob’s off slipping
cretinistcreationist tracts into Dawkins books in bookshops again. He does that, you know. I wonder if rubber-stamping “The characters and situations in this novel are entirely the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to real people or situations is entirely coincidental” onto the fly-leaves of Bibles is illegal…I too have wondered if he isn’t just some type of trolling prototype put forth by some technically literate Theist. You know that they now have an algorithym that will automatically generate sports prosed based on little more than a few stats. I think Bob is one of those just not as advanced.
B.O.B. (Bible Over Beauty) 1.0 AKA Trollbot, may just be a few pages of code centered around a random number generator and a biblically database. Damn! The more I think on it the mopre likely that sounds. It would explain so much.
Amy, you set up a Turing test for him and I’m going to see if I can’t get some kind of antivirus code to eleminate him.
And Daz about the Bible, you’ll never know until you try.
“technically literate Theist”
I know all three words, but put together like that they suddenly make no sense.
B.O.B = Book Of Bullsh!t
Bob, I guarantee that you will not be in heaven. Even Christians wouldn’t believe that you would ever be in heaven.
Ah, but they’re not real Christians™. Only people who believe what Bob believes are true
ScotsmenChristians.The Postmodernism Generator is a gas– “profound”, yet completely meaningless, essays generated upon the click of a link, complete with footnotes. Read about the hoax by Alan Sokal that started it all here. Enjoy!
I notice, parenthetically, that Mr. Bob’s comments are spelled with machine-like precision…
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(hangs head… I’m not a programmer… draws pictures in dirt with toe…)
Gotta love the Guarinad
Bob, others, give this a read. Bob fits the description of “authoritarian” exactly.
http://home.cc.umanitoba.ca/~altemey/
Interesting link, thanks! I read a little bit, and it put me in mind of a TED talk I heard given by Jonathon Haidt on
The Moral Roots of Liberals and Conservatives
Enjoy!
Amy, what are you doing up at 2:30am??
took a nap during the day while the kids were at school and now I can’t sleep. really hate when that happens.
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[Insert disapproving emoticon here]
Excelled TED video, Amy.
“The Authoritarians” makes a very compelling case that extreme left and extreme right are NOT just mirror images of each other. Once I read that book, it completely altered the way I understand politics and religion. I don’t like what I see any more than before I read it, but I think I understand things much better.
I, too, will have to put that on my reading list. Thanks Pither.
I second that. I downloaded it* ages ago and skimmed it. (It’s slowly reaching the top of the Ever Growing Reading List.) From the bits I caught, it seemed pretty good.
*Free and legal download from the site Pither linked to.
Homo sadisticus falwellensis
This is the best of a very good thread.
I think favourite is the Random Fundamentalist Generator™.
Hi, Mr. Grumpy! O-hisashiburi! Glad you liked that–for some reason this thread has inspired me to heights of silliness previously unattainable. Or maybe it’s the cold medicine…
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(brushing teeth now. must. sleep. somehow. But–how do you get the trademark symbol up there, Daz?)
O Yasumi Nasai! (good night)
Not sure if the html code will work on here, but if it does, it’ll be easier to remember… test: ™ … If that made a trademark, use ™ (including the semi-colon) If not, you’ll have to remember Alt+0153
Sorry ’bout the self-linking, but here’s a table of the ones I found myself looking up most often, including accented letters.</blatant blog-whoring>
Thank you! Thank you! I *knew* there had to be a way to put Umlauts in!!
Ich dachte, ich würde verrückt. Warum gibt es gar keine Umlaüte auf dem Web denn? Was für Freude! Tausend Dank, Herr Daz! (Es gibt nur noch eine kleine–ich kann kein s-zet finden… Das ist das doppel-s, dass wie “B” aussieht. )
Toll!
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ß = ß or Alt+0223
Daz–you officially rock! Das heißt… Du rockst
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Thank you. Shucks, and other embarrassed-type expressions.
Here’s a small taste of infinity for you. To make the code appear as code, not as the symbol, I had to replace the ampersand with ‘& but to make that appear, I had to type &amp; for which I typed &amp;amp; …
Hmmm. Or Alt+225. If you can use the html version it’s generally safer. Whether people see the alt characters or not can depend on what browser they use, as well as some pretty esoteric browser-settings.
I do believe Bob thinks our criticism counts as persecution on a par with that of a man who was imprisoned for his beliefs in communist China. Poor wee lamb.
Ha! Great article. Bob Hutton really has to be one of the most pathetic and spineless bloggers on the planet.
‘Ello Marcus. Don’t you think you’re being a little unkind to invertebrates?
Yeah, Marcus! Mollusks are our friends. Bob isn’t. Although come to think of it, he may be delicious too. We’ll never know.
Save a cow: Eat a fundie? Hmmm…
The latest from Bob, aka The Internet’s Greatest Philosopher And Theologian, in a reply to a set of questions posted on his blog.
If I may paraphrase:
1: I am not actually interested in persuading unbelievers to the truth, thereby saving their souls. I just like to spout off.
2: I am incapable of forming any arguments of my own, never having really examined my beliefs for elements of truth, reality or logic.
3a: It’s God’s word, not mine. I just like to spout off.
3b: I am a hard-hearted bastard, uninterested in saving anyone from the tortures I believe they will suffer. “It makes no difference to me if they die in their sins” (direct quote), therefore I have no reason to be telling people that they’ll burn in hell, except that I enjoy publicly wallowing in thoughts of their putative suffering, whilst excusing this as ‘trying to save them’, although as shown above, I am trying to do no such thing.
Daz, that is an awesome summing up. Just give me a sec… there.
“I do not believe in “debating” with unbelievers.”
Chicken.
You tell ‘em, girl!
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Sorry to hark back to this, but this morning I received my now-regular message from Crazy Bob, the Kentish redneck, letting me know he has a new post up. (Incidentally, Bobby-boy doesn’t seem to have mastered email. The first time, he used the contact form on my site and I replied via email. Thus he now has my email address, yet he continues to use the contact form.) I commented on his latest post (awaiting ‘moderation’, obviously):
Polite, but firm, I thought. And then just now I got this in my email (still via the contact form):
Hey Dazzy. Now, if you were honestly trying to save someone’s immortal soul from eternal torture, would you start the message in a childish taunting tone, sent privately rather than in open discussion? Nope? Me neither. What’s more, the fact that he chooses to do it privately rather suggests that he knows he’s being a twat of the first water. Ah, the high moral integrity of the religious mind never fails to
astoundamuse.