Beautiful Balls Of Biblical Bullshit ©
I’m not bragging or anything, but people, this next part is going to be great. As a Biblical critic working my way systematically through the damnable book I am stuck with whatever dull and meaningless material the particular section I’m going through has to offer. Far too often useless Bible babble goes on incessantly as with God’s never-ending instruction on how to build his temple. It’s not that I can’t make fun of it, but when the same bullshit goes on for pages I feel I am telling the same joke over and over with increasingly unsettling results like a child constantly screaming “Knock! Knock!” This can get tedious. Painfully Tedious!
Now don’t get me wrong. Many other times the Bible is interesting even fascinating; that is not to say I find it a great moral guide with impeccable logic and perfect ethics. Whoo… Yeah. Damn, just thinking about that made me laugh so hard I hurt myself. Whoo! Let me catch my breath… OK. What I mean to say is that it is often interesting in that I can poke its flaccid and limp logic with a sharp stick and watch it squirm apathetically out of the way. These are the good parts, the parts I enjoy. Nothing I like better than the Bible and a sharp stick. But now and then come the parts that I live for. These are the chapters and verses that are so laden with irony and contradiction that I do not understand how anyone not suffering from either congenital idiocy or a traumatic brain injury cannot realize how absurd it is. These are the parts I love.
And people, here we are at one of those Beautiful Balls of Biblical Bullshit. (© 2011 KKBundy)
Moses, having smashed the original copy of the Ten Commandments in a huge hissy-fit over a certain Golden Calf affair, now desperately finds himself in need of a new set of tablets. Personally, I understand this for what society could survive long without constantly gazing upon admonishments to not kill each other or to not sleep with your neighbor’s wife. Myself, I simply can recount all the times I’ve held a huge rock high over the head of my fellow human ready to smash his or her brains to pudding when, suddenly, I glanced up and saw the Ten Commandments. Every time this happens I’m like “Shit! What the hell was I thinking? This is just wrong!” At times of these ethical temptations, I find it most relaxing to go over and satisfy myself on all the slave women I kidnapped after slaughtering their husbands and family. Damned if I don’t love being righteous!
At any rate Moses needs to find the bronze age version of Kinkos and run off another copy of that fantastically valuable set of rules. So God tells him to carve out another set of blank tablets and meet him, again, on the mountain and, again, don’t bring anyone. So Moses takes his two stone tablets up the mountain to meet the Lord. This is where it gets good.
The Lord descended in the cloud and stood there with him as he called upon the name of the Lord. Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”
If there is a more fucked up sentence in the Bible, I have yet to run across it, and to me, this sums up all nutless douchebaggery that is the Great Lord Genocide. How do we know God is loving and compassionate? Why he tells us so right here. And if your have the temerity to think otherwise, he will bust a cap in your ass… And your children’s asses… and your grandchildren…, and possibly one or two other generations depending how he’s feeling that day. In the words of the kind and gracious Ming the Merciless, ”All creatures shall make merry…Under pain of Death!”
I particularly like the “slow to anger” part. This is a guy who just condoned the killing of three thousand people for the terrible crime of… making a statue. Making a fucking statue! Thank Baal none of the Hebrews took up oil painting or he would have wiped them all out. And how can any being possibly forgive “iniquity, transgression and sin” but leave no guilty parties unmolested? Isn’t the nature of forgiveness that you do not seek retribution? If I publicly forgive someone for their crimes against me but then gut shoot them with a 12-gauge, people are going to justifiably doubt my sincerity. Does he forgive them after he butchers them but before sending them to hell? Oh wait… Hell hasn’t been invented yet. I guess not.
And someone please tell me what the children and grandchildren could possibly have to do with this so-called crime? And don’t give that shitball of an argument that I can’t possibly understand perfect justice and therefore, have no right to judge God. Think about this for a minute. If someone kills my wife and I ask myself that common ethical question, “What would Jesus do?” the answer would not only be to hunt the bastard down and kill him, but Jesus (Remember that he and God are one and the same) would then slaughter the man’s kids and grandkids. What a dickhead. This jackass has all the graciousness of an acid enema.
When theists wonder why atheists find the God of the Old Testament such a sociopathic bastard, we should quote them this passage. I am sure it would do no good. Their ability to spin doctor every irony and contradiction by cherry picking their way around the Bible is legendary.
Then Moses does what he does best.
Remember last time God said this to Moses, “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.” Now Moses hastens to bow low toward the earth and worship. He said, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, O Lord, I pray, let the Lord go along in our midst, even though the people are so obstinate, and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your own possession.”
Moses is again offering the Hebrews to God as his bitches and this makes God happy because he wants everyone to be his bitch. Nothing God likes better than his people submitting and humiliating themselves. Moses, by his own admission, appears to be the only person who can calm the Lord Genocide down and stop him from killing everyone, and the only way he can do this is by enslaving the entire nation, but hey, what’s a guy to do? Yahweh is undeniably a psycho killing machine that needs his ego stroked and Moses is the only one that can do that and, therefore, the only person who can save the Jews from their loving Lord.
Yeah, I know. I know! As I have pointed out before there is another way of looking at this. Much of the writing in Exodus is simply Moses convincing all his people that he is the only man who can save them, and for him to do that they will have to obey his every whim utterly. Moses spends so much of his energy not persuading Yahweh to spare his chosen people but persuading those people that he, Moses, is the only one who has that power. Moses becomes invaluable because he has forced people to believe that he is invaluable. It’s a great trick.
This is how all cult leaders work. It’s an easy path to a great deal of power. When one speaks for God, believers must listen, must obey. It’s the only path to salvation.
My answer to this is a simple equation. Bear with me. Moses = God’s best friend, and God will do as Moses asks. God = God + great power over believers because they believe. Moses as the only person that can control God is thereby powerful. But… God is imaginary. The only easy way to use imaginary numbers is to cancel them out.
Moses + God = Power. God = 0
Moses = Power
Although not strictly mathematical, it follows that Moses = God. Moses was nothing if not innovative.
It’s kind of a Pythagorean Theorem for cult leaders, or perhaps, a recipe for being a jack off.
I report. You decide.