Finally! Proof that he is real!
OK then! As we remember from the last episode the sacrifices have been made in all of their gory detail, and apparently heaps of dead carcasses lie on the blood soaked earth outside the tent of meeting waiting for… Well, something.
Moses and Aaron went into the tent of meeting. When they came out and blessed the people, the glory of the LORD appeared to all the people. Then fire came out from before the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar; and when all the people saw it, they shouted and fell on their faces.
Hooray! Another of God’s fabulous miracles. Fire actually roared out onto sacrificial meat, and everyone was awed. Damn… Well people, this one leaves me stumped. Could this be the proof we have been searching for? Could this be the culmination of the true quest of my blog–the quest to find God? Why, yes! Yes, it is. Why, now it seems obvious that God is real, for how else could this have been pulled off. By mere trickery and fraud? No! By the charred corpse of Saint Lawrence, it’s fire, or shit’s sake! It’d only been around for three or four hundred thousand years. That’s just not enough time to learn a few simple tricks. How could these primitive people who had just escaped centuries of slavery from one of the most advanced civilizations on the planet ever know much about fire. How could they possibly have known about pitch, tar or other accelerants many of which had only been around for several millennia and then known to pour said accelerants over the animals to have them roar into flame? I mean these are tricks that would take us at least six or seven minutes to accomplish today using any number of common household chemicals.
To have the fire come out and consume the sacrifice as stated, the priests would have to have access to some kind of oil-like substance like the oil that has been seeping out of the ground for millions of years. By the rancid bowels of Buddha, they were walking around the Arabian Peninsula, and everyone knows what a paucity of oil they have in that land. Sure they may have been able to fake it if they had some access to another kind of oil. You know like the kind they burned in the lamp they made for the Tabernacle… Or alcohol which… they… drank… Um… Or pine pitch… or…
Well… I admit it’s true that dried animal dung when powdered and thrown in a heaping handful over a campfire will produce an impressive column of fire, but tell me all you fucking skeptical geniuses, where would simple goat and sheep herders possibly find enough animal dung to do this? Riddle me this? Hmm?
Um… Hey wait just a minute… Shit!
Goddamn it. Back to square one.