Finally! Proof that he is real!

Ooh! Ooh! Hot thing!

Leviticus 9/23

OK then! As we remember from the last episode the sacrifices have been made in all of their gory detail, and apparently heaps of dead carcasses lie on the blood soaked earth outside the tent of meeting waiting for… Well, something.

Moses and Aaron went into the tent of meeting. When they came out and blessed the people, the glory of the LORD appeared to all the people. Then fire came out from before the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar; and when all the people saw it, they shouted and fell on their faces.

Hooray! Another of God’s fabulous miracles.   Fire actually roared out onto sacrificial meat, and everyone was awed.   Damn… Well people, this one leaves me stumped.  Could this be the proof we have been searching for?   Could this be the culmination of the true quest of my blog–the quest to find God?  Why, yes!  Yes, it is. Why, now it seems obvious that God is real, for how else could this have been pulled off.  By mere trickery and fraud?  No!  By the charred corpse of Saint Lawrence, it’s fire, or shit’s sake!  It’d only been around for three or four hundred thousand years.  That’s just not enough time to learn a few simple tricks.  How could these primitive people who had just escaped centuries of slavery from one of the most advanced civilizations on the planet ever know much about fire.  How could they possibly have known about pitch, tar or other accelerants many of which had only been around for several millennia and then known to pour said accelerants over the animals to have them roar into flame?  I mean these are tricks that would take us at least six or seven minutes to accomplish today using any number of common household chemicals.

To have the fire come out and consume the sacrifice as stated, the priests would have to have access to some kind of oil-like substance like the oil that has been seeping out of the ground for millions of years.  By the rancid bowels of Buddha, they were walking around the Arabian Peninsula, and everyone knows what a paucity of oil they have in that land.  Sure they may have been able to fake it if they had some access to another kind of oil.   You know like the kind they burned in the lamp they made for the Tabernacle…  Or alcohol which… they… drank…  Um…  Or pine pitch… or…

Well… I admit it’s true that dried animal dung when powdered and thrown in a heaping handful over a campfire will produce an impressive column of fire, but tell me all you fucking skeptical geniuses, where would simple goat and sheep herders possibly find enough animal dung to do this?  Riddle me this?  Hmm?

Um…   Hey wait just a minute…   Shit!

Goddamn it.  Back to square one.

    • Daz
    • September 18th, 2011

    Something I read just the other day about starting fires… Apparently donkey dung is the preferred choice. Not that a bunch of itinerant families would have such beasts of burden easily to hand, of course. Ahem.

    Also, “the glory of the LORD appeared to all the people” reminded me of this, which I’d bookmarked for possible piss-taking purposes:

    When God exposes himself to us, we become, at that very moment, responsible.. When God reveals himself to us, we are obliged to respond to what has been revealed. Be careful when you pray; “Lord show me your glory!” …

    Which kinda puts a whole new, quite disturbing, angle on it…

    • Be careful when you go around…ahem..exposing yourself. I’ve heard the Lord Genocide likes to chop bits off of people, if you catch my drift…

        • Daz
        • September 19th, 2011

        You’ll be happy, no doubt, to know that I clenched. Nasty woman!

  1. Yay! Seeing a BABS post popping up on my blog reader always makes me so happy.

    Ahem, okay, on topic…

    I love that shit. Gasp, shock, awe.. there was FIRE.. It’s a miracle!

    I have to think that Moses was trained for the priesthood of the Egyptians at some point. He seems to employ all the same tricks to shock and amaze these dimwitted goat-herders.

    And, I could consider granting that okay, the morons who are following him around might not grasp the concept, but in this day and age, we’re still supposed to think this is some sort of a miracle.

    It’s like the burning bush. “…behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.” I’m betting I know a cub scout who could replicate that feat…

    • Hear hear! I’m pretty sure that any decent Egyptian magician could replicate this feat in about 30 seconds.

      And “Yay! Seeing a BABS post popping up on my blog reader always makes me so happy.”

      Geez Alice. Your making me blush.

      Right up until I read your chopping piece. I also had an severe involuntary clench. Damn, I think I pulled something.

      • Two for one!

        Hey, I’m serious! I’ve never quite understood the whole chopping bits off of men’s genitals.

        I mean, are men created in god’s image or not? If not, how does a perfect god fuck that up? If so, why the need to alter them?

        Yahweh is awful focused on men’s icky bits.

        Hm, I wonder what he does with all those tiny bits of flesh that he’s collected over the millenia?

    • Dave
    • September 18th, 2011

    Pssh, that’s nothing. Last time I was camping, I caused my own name to appear in flames that seemed to spring from the very earth with no wood to fuel the fire.

    Assuming no one had seen me use a stick to carve the letters or fill them with naphtha, it probably would have looked like one hell of a miracle.

    I suppose the next step is to go around “exposing my glory” and see if anyone worships me, but I can’t help but think that would get me locked up.

    • My in-laws bought my wife and me manhcitg ESV study Bibles for Christmas and we have been reading/studying from it primarily this year. Loving it! I grew up with King James, I read it in my youth,I read it in my Sunday school,It’s how I learned the truth (bonus points for anyone who can name that tune)But then I got into Bible bowl at age 12 or so and discovered NIV. Spent years and years there, then I realized I was allowed to read other translations. My wife just bought me a pocket-sized Holman Christian Standard Bible a week ago Saturday and I’m loving it, too!So now my favs are (in no particular order) ESV, NLT, NASB, NCV, HCSB, and the old standby, Mr NIV (I actually got to where I didn’t care at all for the NIV, but I think I was just burned out on it). I also dig the Message. I’ll have to try God’s Word version.Great post. May I steal your idea, Trey?

    • Mary2
    • September 19th, 2011

    Pssh. You guys know nothing about miracles. Where I come from the miracle is if we can go one day without some yobbo setting fire to themselves by squirting lighter fluid on a fire.

    Hmm. Maybe I should rephrase that as . . . Every day somebody inexplicably bursts into flame in a miraculous example of spontaneous combustion proving, beyond all doubt, that miracles do happen.

      • Daz
      • September 19th, 2011

      Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
      —Terry Pratchett

      Which reminded me of one of his footnotes that’s quite pertinent:

      Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been Fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that’s a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events : the oil just spilled there, the safety fence just broke there : that must also be a miracle. Just because its not nice doesn’t mean its not miraculous.

      • Damn but I do love that first quote. And the second hits it right on the head. If it was miraculous for God to have saved that one two-year old child from the Haiti earthquake then it was just as miraculous for him to have slaughtered the other 230,000.

        Yay God.

        • Mary2
        • September 19th, 2011

        KK, it was their fault they died in Haiti; they hadn’t accepted God. You know that God cannot cause an Earthquake which kills innocent people; it says in the bible several times that God cannot do evil. Not sure what this means for the omnipotence thing.

        Daz, LOVE the quote. I am going to make and frame an embroidery of it and hang it in my office along with the Serenity prayer etc.

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