Archive for the ‘ Myth ’ Category

How Not to Sacrifice ( a Lesson In Two Charred Parts)


The incomparable Brick Testament's take on this story. Brilliant!

Leviticus 10.

Now Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took their respective firepans, and after putting fire in them, placed incense on it and offered strange fire before the LORD, which He had not commanded them. And fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD.

WTF!  Holy seared siblings, Batman! God is such a badass! Yeah, because… well… he, uh…  Burned them to death for… Um…  What exactly?  Sacrificing without a permit? Making offering inappropriately?  Maybe they messed up the magic words like Ash in Army of Darkness.  “Klaatu Barada N… Necktie… Neckturn… Nickel… It’s an “N” word, it’s definitely an “N” word!“  Oh, You gotta love Army of Darkenss, but, seriously,  WTF?  Does God insist that he give a command before we pray to him?  Which, seemingly, would be my problem.  Apparently, I’m still waiting for the command.  I’m a sleeper cell closet Christian just waiting for some goddamned word.

So the Lord of Genocide kills people for worshipping him without his direct orders and that does have some interesting corollaries.  For instance, if that’s the case then the whole school prayer issue should be a moot point. C’mon people, knowing what we now know, it’s obvious that allowing prayer in schools would be a disaster. For their own protection schools would have to forbid any mention of God within their bounds.  Well, at least any to the Judeo-Christian God, anyway.

Oh, the horror of children spontaneously bursting into flames whenever they whispered a prayer to the Lord.  Holy shit!  Think about it!  The days leading up to the final exams would be an veritable fiery apocalypse. The burned and charred corpses of penitent students would litter the classrooms and hallways amid smoldering texts and  seared backpacks.  Just imagine the scene!  A small whispered prayer, a popping sound, and then the screaming would start.  Oh the screaming again.  And the smell!  Oh my God! The smell!  !  When will we ever learn people?  Obviously our education system would rapidly collapse in an righteous inferno all brought about by prayer in school.  Not to mention the prohibitive cost of fire insurance…

No.  It is clear that prayer in school must be forever forbidden.  Will someone, for the love of G… Um…  Just think of the children!

Seriously though, why did God kill them?  Was it because they “offered a strange fire before the Lord.”  Is that really so bad?  What in the sacred shit of Jesus is a “strange fire” anyway?  Well, I don’t know about the rest of you but that sure sounds like euphemism for pot.   Not that I am terribly familiar with the whole concept, good beer or wine being my drug of choice, but I was young once.  I know strange fires!  Were the sons of Aaron simply stoners, laying around all day offering strange fires to the Lord then trying to round up some manna and quail when the munchies hit?

Dude!  I mean, like, duuude!  Has anyone, like, seen my bird?  Fuck man, I put him right there!

Or is this something else.  We have already discussed (Yeah, a long time ago.  I know!) that if there is any truth at all to the statement “fire came out from before the LORD and consumed the burnt offering” it was very likely some kind of accelerant, the bronze age equivalent of gasoline used to awe the people into submission.  Did these two boneheads somehow manage use a little too much?  Did they spill it on themselves?  We’re they “playing with fire?”  Were they the ancient equivalent of the jackass who thinks that grilling requires one part charcoal and three parts lighter fluid and then sits around bitching about having no eyebrows and a reddish puffy look “tan”?

Or maybe it was a combination.  Like guns and alcohol, I’d imagine that “strange fire” and real fire would have to be a bad combo.  Truly, I’m not sure how long I’d last smokin’ a few joints, chewing a shroom or two and then playing with gasoline and matches.  Beautiful as I am, I too could earn the fury of the Lord.

Or… Or were these two the victims of something worse, something more sinister.  Remember that there has been quite a bit of tension between Moses and Aaron.  Aaron, the jackwipe, had already proved his untrustworthiness by sacrificing to the Golden Calf.  Were his sons part of the earlier rebellion and still pushing the limits?  Remember that Moses wasn’t exactly shy about killing several thousand people to regain control then.  Why would he stop at killing Aaron’s sons now?  Anyone who thinks that violence never solves anything really needs to look at Moses and his lackey, the Lord Genocide. Their motto has forever been, “Why do something peacefully and decent when you can kill dozens of  people and get the same result?”  Violence solved all of Moses’ problems.

Pure speculation, I know, but it’s intriguing.  Look at the next few lines.

Then Moses said to Aaron, “It is what the LORD spoke, saying, 
’By those who come near Me I will be treated as holy, 
And before all the people I will be honored.’” 
So Aaron, therefore, kept silent.  Moses called also to Mishael and Elzaphan, the sons of Aaron’s uncle Uzziel, and said to them, “Come forward, carry your relatives away from the front of the sanctuary to the outside of the camp.” So they came forward and carried them still in their tunics to the outside of the camp, as Moses had said. Then Moses said to Aaron and to his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, “Do not uncover your heads nor tear your clothes, so that you will not die and that He will not become wrathful against all the congregation. But your kinsmen, the whole house of Israel, shall bewail the burning which the LORD has brought about.

Moses won’t even allow any mourning to be done for them.  He and he alone knows how the Lord Death demands his sacrifices and that is bloody, burnt and with Moses at the center.  Those trying to curry favor with the Lord without Moses in the loop are begging for trouble.

Honestly, doesn’t this sound like just another of Moses power plays?  Trickery and  murder to stay on top of “his” people.  Smoke and mirrors and blood and no one doubts his power.  Those who did are dead.  Those on the edge are terrified.

Regardless in how you interpret this, there is little here to understand.

The chapter goes on in nearly incomprehensible detail, but the most interesting thing about the entire page is in the note at the bottom regarding these deaths. Here is the modern interpretation of this passage.  “Their death was tragic and at first seems harsh, but no more than Ananias and Sapphira in Acts.  In both cases a new era was being inaugurated.  The new community had to be made aware that it existed for God, not ice versa.”

God does not exist for us, we exist for God, and of course, the implication that he can do any damned thing he desires to us.  If this book has anything more insidious within its pages I am yet unaware of it.  I know there will be many Christians out there who will jump to God’s defense.  Just do a search of “Nadab and Abihu” and read some of the amusingly twisted results.  This disgusting example of theistic apologetics is among the worst. But all of them seem to orbit around the old and worn bone of  “Of course we exist for him. He created us.”  But that’s like saying that my son exists for me and not me for him, and that is bullshit!

To my mind this expresses exactly the opposite sentiment that we all really need to believe.  We exist to protect our children.  They do not exist to serve our every whim.  Our overall purpose is to raise them to be fully functional adults.  Men and women who are complete on their own, independent of even us.  We want our children to love us. Sure. But we don’t cripple them with such a dependency on us that they are unable to function on their own, loving us out of a sick fear that we’ll harm them or cut them out of the will.  What kind of “Father” actually does that?

A shitty, psychotic father, that’s who.

The entire goal of parenthood is to take a newborn being who is so utterly dependent on you and your decisions and teach them to be utterly independent and able flourish on their own and without help.  Breeding pathological dependency into the beings you create is evil.  They deserve far better.

To put it another way, the ambition of parenthood is to make our children better than we are.  The goal of godhood, on the other hand, is to cripple them to assure yourself that they will never even approach that level.  He’s #1 and will always remain that way.  Yay God!

What a dick!

2012
03/11
CATEGORY
Atheism
Leviticus
Myth
Religion
13 comments

Finally! Proof that he is real!


Ooh! Ooh! Hot thing!

Leviticus 9/23

OK then! As we remember from the last episode the sacrifices have been made in all of their gory detail, and apparently heaps of dead carcasses lie on the blood soaked earth outside the tent of meeting waiting for… Well, something.

Moses and Aaron went into the tent of meeting. When they came out and blessed the people, the glory of the LORD appeared to all the people. Then fire came out from before the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar; and when all the people saw it, they shouted and fell on their faces.

Hooray! Another of God’s fabulous miracles.   Fire actually roared out onto sacrificial meat, and everyone was awed.   Damn… Well people, this one leaves me stumped.  Could this be the proof we have been searching for?   Could this be the culmination of the true quest of my blog–the quest to find God?  Why, yes!  Yes, it is. Why, now it seems obvious that God is real, for how else could this have been pulled off.  By mere trickery and fraud?  No!  By the charred corpse of Saint Lawrence, it’s fire, or shit’s sake!  It’d only been around for three or four hundred thousand years.  That’s just not enough time to learn a few simple tricks.  How could these primitive people who had just escaped centuries of slavery from one of the most advanced civilizations on the planet ever know much about fire.  How could they possibly have known about pitch, tar or other accelerants many of which had only been around for several millennia and then known to pour said accelerants over the animals to have them roar into flame?  I mean these are tricks that would take us at least six or seven minutes to accomplish today using any number of common household chemicals.

To have the fire come out and consume the sacrifice as stated, the priests would have to have access to some kind of oil-like substance like the oil that has been seeping out of the ground for millions of years.  By the rancid bowels of Buddha, they were walking around the Arabian Peninsula, and everyone knows what a paucity of oil they have in that land.  Sure they may have been able to fake it if they had some access to another kind of oil.   You know like the kind they burned in the lamp they made for the Tabernacle…  Or alcohol which… they… drank…  Um…  Or pine pitch… or…

Well… I admit it’s true that dried animal dung when powdered and thrown in a heaping handful over a campfire will produce an impressive column of fire, but tell me all you fucking skeptical geniuses, where would simple goat and sheep herders possibly find enough animal dung to do this?  Riddle me this?  Hmm?

Um…   Hey wait just a minute…   Shit!

Goddamn it.  Back to square one.

2011
09/18
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Leviticus
Myth
Religion
Young Earth Creationism
12 comments

Exodus Vs Genesis, A Biblical Cage Match.


You have to love the humor.

Well, well, well.  At long last we have reached the end of that Damned Book.  No. no. Not the Bible just Exodus.  I know that it seems like we’ve been here forever and in reality it has been close.  Having been mired in the quicksand with you, I, too, feel the need to scramble forth into Leviticus and see what other shit-assed crazy rules God has for his Sheeple.  Oh Lord, my kingdom for a change of scenery!   However, I must insist on a brief review of Exodus before we leave.

Exodus, a book review by KKBundy/Waylon Hedegaard ( a work in three parts)

To set forth my feelings I believe a comparison of Exodus to its predecessor is in order.  Contrasting the first two books of the Bible bring out some interesting points.  The first of these is simply how much I loathe Moses.  In our detailed examination of Genesis, I wasn’t terribly in love with Noah and Abraham.  They were human and at times beautifully so, however, they were hardly stalwart moral examples.  But when compared to Moses these people become exemplary.  Abraham, Isaac and the rest of the Genesis crowd generally bumbled their way through life but were only products of their time in terms of morality.  Sure they killed and fought, but their humanity was one I could find attractive if barbaric.

Moses, on the other hand, does not come through the wash smelling quite so rosy.  Moses demands and gets what he wants with many of his arguments ending in the deaths of those involved.  Dissension was betrayal, disagreement – treason.  Although pitiable in his desperate need to stay ahead of everyone, he is not a likable or sympathetic.  Let’s be blunt.  Moses is a nut-less bastard who rules through massive doses of terror and intimidation.  Inventing the same tricks used today by hundreds of modern cult leaders he convinced everyone that their God was a terrible and vengeful god who wallowed in the ability to make humans suffer.  Only he, Moses, could hold back the wrath of God.  Only by listening to him could the Hebrews escape destruction.

Abraham and his descendants were not like this.  Oh, sure.  They’d slaughter an entire village over a daughter’s seduction or sell a brother into slavery, but they were not on a level with Moses.  They were foolish and selfish.  Moses was malignant, a tumor in Hebrew life bending everyone to his terrible power.  I know it’s backwards to say it in the modern world, but Moses was evil.  It’s the only way I can describe him.  Sating his lust for power only seemed to increase it.

I understand his story is not over, but thus far, I’m not impressed.

Second, as to the writing style, while more detailed than Genesis, Exodus seemed to lack a kind of coherency that should have been present.  There were thoughts brought up in the oddest of places as if they were just thrown in at a later date.  Hey, Wait… Do you think???   Seriously, the Bible will be going on about the covenant and suddenly lurch into a non sequitur about “You shall not boil a young goat in its mother’s milk.” Then it will go onto the tabernacle but not before threatening you with death for working on the Sabbath.  It’s like listening to some homeless dude telling a convoluted story who breaks his thought process every minute to scream obscenities at his nonexistent cat.  I constantly fight the urge to look over my shoulder to make sure that he isn’t talking to me.  Creepy.

The third and last point is very much related to the first.  Genesis, while somewhat trite, had some truly beautiful parts to it.  The love Rebekah’s family shared at her parting to marry Isaac was fantastic.  My favorite line of the Bible thus far is their somewhat savage but touching blessing to her as she left. “”Our sister, may you come to be thousands of myriads, and may your offspring inherit the gate of its foes.”  Think of me as a barbarian if you will, but that is a great blessing, and it left me touched.

Nothing similar lies within the pages of Exodus.  While Genesis has a dozen good stories about people struggling to survive, Exodus has a single story of an individual’s quest for power and domination of his tribe.  Genesis could be viewed as stories wherein a flawed humanity live and struggle facing those flaws.  Exodus’ Moses admits no flaws, shows no humanity, suffers no opposition.

The difference between the two books can best be summed up in two sentences.

Genesis is the imperfect saga of a people inventing their god.

Exodus is the sordid tale of a man desperate to become one.

2011
08/19
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Genesis
Myth
Religion
6 comments

The Tabernacle Revisited. Again.


Behold the wonders of God... Um... Well, let's give it a second... Is this thing on?

Exodus 35 to 40.

We all know sometimes I have a tendency to get bogged down in a small section of the Bible and expound on it at length.  I can write a thousand words on a meaning of a single sentence in large part because those certain sentences contain so much of what I find absurd… And, of course, I always find it difficult to shut the hell up.  As any long time reader of this blog will know, a meaningless law, an absurd restriction, or an illogical divine demand can set me off on a rant and keep there until I have exhausted myself.  You people simply have no idea how much work it actually is just to be me.

However, this is not going to be one of those days.

Remember several chapters back when we went over Exodus’ endless, coma-inducing detail on God’s tabernacle instructions?  Well, Exodus finishes with a nearly complete recapitulation of that event.  Yeah. I know.  I just read it thrice.   To be honest it’s not exactly the same.  The first one was how God wanted it built and this one is the Hebrews actually building it.

For example, here is the original in Exodus 25

“They shall construct an ark of acacia wood two and a half cubits long, and one and a half cubits wide, and one and a half cubits high. “You shall overlay it with pure gold, inside and out you shall overlay it, and you shall make a gold molding around it.  “You shall cast four gold rings for it and fasten them on its four feet, and two rings shall be on one side of it and two rings on the other side of it.  “You shall make poles of acacia wood and overlay them with gold.  “You shall put the poles into the rings on the sides of the ark, to carry the ark with them.  “The poles shall remain in the rings of the ark; they shall not be removed from it.

“You shall put into the ark the testimony which I shall give you.
”You shall make a mercy seat of pure gold, two and a half cubits long and one and a half cubits wide.  “You shall make two cherubim of gold, make them of hammered work at the two ends of the mercy seat.  “Make one cherub at one end and one cherub at the other end; you shall make the cherubim of one piece with the mercy seat at its two ends. “The cherubim shall have their wings spread upward, covering the mercy seat with their wings and facing one another; the faces of the cherubim are to be turned toward the mercy seat.  “You shall put the mercy seat on top of the ark, and in the ark you shall put the testimony which I will give to you.

And here is the mildly condensed version in Exodus 37.

Now Bezalel made the ark of acacia wood; its length was two and a half cubits, and its width one and a half cubits, and its height one and a half cubits; and he overlaid it with pure gold inside and out, and made a gold molding for it all around.  He cast four rings of gold for it on its four feet; even two rings on one side of it, and two rings on the other side of it. He made poles of acacia wood and overlaid them with gold.  He put the poles into the rings on the sides of the ark, to carry it.  He made a mercy seat of pure gold, two and a half cubits long and one and a half cubits wide.  He made two cherubim of gold; he made them of hammered work at the two ends of the mercy seat; one cherub at the one end and one cherub at the other end; he made the cherubim of one piece with the mercy seat at the two ends.  The cherubim had their wings spread upward, covering the mercy seat with their wings, with their faces toward each other; the faces of the cherubim were toward the mercy seat.

Yeah, I know.  Riveting.  I can’t wait for the movie.

Any brevity gained in the abridged version is lost with the lengthy descriptions of how happy the Hebrews were to give to their God.  They just gave and gave and gave until Moses himself had to put his foot down and say no more.  I am quite sure that’s true.  After Moses had slaughtered three thousand of them just a few days before during the Golden Calf fiasco, I’m quite sure that everyone was quite… um… willing, yeah, willing to give up their valuables.  All that congealing blood on the ground has a rather profound effect on generosity.

Sigh.

Once again a huge section of this book is not about human needs and human desires.  It’s not trying to get humans to be better.  It’s not about the wonders and beauties of science. It doesn’t say a damned thing about the Germ Theory of Disease or Natural Selection or Quantum Mechanics.  There’s not an iota of information that would make people live longer, healthy or more productive lives.  It’s all about glorifying God and by very close proxy, his chief priest, Moses.  No matter what Exodus is talking about the subject matter always returns to glorifying God.  It’s like that person at the dinner party who takes over every conversation and redirects it towards themselves.  Yeah.  I hate those people.

It becomes apparent that people in their ugly and squalid little lives are unimportant.  Their needs are irrelevant.  Humanity’s suffering is insignificant.  It’s God’s needs that are paramount here, his and his alone.  Page after page drip with his demands.  For example, his Sabbath must be observed as the second verse in Exodus 35 states so clearly and cruelly.

“For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a Sabbath of complete rest to the Lord; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.”

How sweet.  God brought us the weekend… under pain of execution.

People starved all over the world.  Sentient beings old and young died of terrible diseases.  Pain, suffering and sorrow ruled life utterly and what is God doing about it?  Healing them?  Teaching them medicine or crop rotation?  Making things better?  Fuck no!  He’s demanding his children build him a house.  With all the power he is reputed to have he does nothing about the condition of humanity but uses that power and the fear it generates to glorify himself.  Because to this God and his biggest fan that is what is supremely important; fear, glory and power.

Oh sure, Exodus has a few verses about protecting widows, a few more about strangers and others on the solving of property disputes.  If taken as a whole it’s three or four pages added together.  Contrast that with the 20 or so involved just with building and sanctifying the Tabernacle, a house whose sole purpose it to demand subservience and reverence.  Why?  What other purpose could it actually serve? It was built to increase the awe of the people and keep them in thrall.  This is the purpose.  This is the raison d’être.

Oh, I’m sure it also gave Moses a chubby, but let’s not dwell on that now.

It’s so obvious to anyone who really looks that in the church of that time, maintaining and increasing power ranked far above easing the suffering of the weak and helpless.  Back then God was only interested in his glory and the subservience of his worshipers.

But the real question you have to ask yourself is this.  With fundamentalist churches leading the way to cut spending for the poor, fighting ferociously against any kind of universal health care, screaming against medically necessary abortion, cutting taxes to the richest Americans and supporting corporate interests above any concerns with mere human beings, are today’s churches’ all that different?

For many of the purest and most fundamental Christian Churches, I think not.  The difference here is that the ancient Hebrews couldn’t have known any better.

We should.

I grow very weary of people whose entire message boils down to “I speak for God, and he, too, thinks you’re an asshole.”

2011
08/16
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Myth
Religion
5 comments

Beautiful Balls Of Biblical Bullshit ©


I saw these and just couldn't resist. Now we can finally determine who would win the final battle.

Exodus 34

I’m not bragging or anything, but people, this next part is going to be great.  As a Biblical critic working my way systematically through the damnable book I am stuck with whatever dull and meaningless material the particular section I’m going through has to offer.  Far too often useless Bible babble goes on incessantly as with God’s never-ending instruction on how to build his temple.  It’s not that I can’t make fun of it, but when the same bullshit goes on for pages I feel I am telling the same joke over and over with increasingly unsettling results like a child constantly screaming “Knock! Knock!”  This can get tedious.  Painfully Tedious!

Now don’t get me wrong. Many other times the Bible is interesting even fascinating; that is not to say I find it a great moral guide with impeccable logic and perfect ethics.  Whoo… Yeah.  Damn, just thinking about that made me laugh so hard I hurt myself.  Whoo! Let me catch my breath… OK.  What I mean to say is that it is often interesting in that I can poke its flaccid and limp logic with a sharp stick and watch it squirm apathetically out of the way.  These are the good parts, the parts I enjoy.  Nothing I like better than the Bible and a sharp stick.  But now and then come the parts that I live for.  These are the chapters and verses that are so laden with irony and contradiction that I do not understand how anyone not suffering from either congenital idiocy or a traumatic brain injury cannot realize how absurd it is.  These are the parts I love.

And people, here we are at one of those Beautiful Balls of Biblical Bullshit. (© 2011 KKBundy)

Moses, having smashed the original copy of the Ten Commandments in a huge hissy-fit over a certain Golden Calf affair, now desperately finds himself in need of a new set of tablets.  Personally, I understand this for what society could survive long without constantly gazing upon admonishments to not kill each other or to not sleep with your neighbor’s wife.  Myself, I simply can recount all the times I’ve held a huge rock high over the head of my fellow human ready to smash his or her brains to pudding when, suddenly, I glanced up and saw the Ten Commandments. Every time this happens I’m like “Shit! What the hell was I thinking?  This is just wrong!”  At times of these ethical temptations, I find it most relaxing to go over and satisfy myself on all the slave women I kidnapped after slaughtering their husbands and family.  Damned if I don’t love being righteous!

At any rate Moses needs to find the bronze age version of Kinkos and run off another copy of that fantastically valuable set of rules.  So God tells him to carve out another set of blank tablets and meet him, again, on the mountain and, again, don’t bring anyone. So Moses takes his two stone tablets up the mountain to meet the Lord.  This is where it gets good.

The Lord descended in the cloud and stood there with him as he called upon the name of the Lord. Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;  who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

If there is a more fucked up sentence in the Bible, I have yet to run across it, and to me, this sums up all nutless douchebaggery that is the Great Lord Genocide.  How do we know God is loving and compassionate?  Why he tells us so right here.  And if your have the temerity to think otherwise, he will bust a cap in your ass… And your children’s asses… and your grandchildren…, and possibly one or two other generations depending how he’s feeling that day.  In the words of the kind and gracious Ming the Merciless,  ”All creatures shall make merry…Under pain of Death!”

I particularly like the “slow to anger” part.  This is a guy who just condoned the killing of three thousand people for the terrible crime of… making a statue.  Making a fucking statue!  Thank Baal none of the Hebrews took up oil painting or he would have wiped them all out. And how can any being possibly forgive “iniquity, transgression and sin” but leave no guilty parties unmolested?  Isn’t the nature of forgiveness that you do not seek retribution?  If I publicly forgive someone for their crimes against me but then gut shoot them with a 12-gauge, people are going to justifiably doubt my sincerity.  Does he forgive them after he butchers them but before sending them to hell?  Oh wait… Hell hasn’t been invented yet.  I guess not.

And someone please tell me what the children and grandchildren could possibly have to do with this so-called crime?  And don’t give that shitball of an argument that I can’t possibly understand perfect justice and therefore, have no right to judge God.  Think about this for a minute.  If someone kills my wife and I ask myself  that common ethical question, “What would Jesus do?”  the answer would not only be to hunt the bastard down and kill him, but Jesus (Remember that he and God are one and the same) would then slaughter the man’s kids and grandkids.  What a dickhead.   This jackass has all the graciousness of an acid enema.

When theists wonder why atheists find the God of the Old Testament such a sociopathic bastard, we should quote them this passage. I am sure it would do no good.  Their ability to spin doctor every irony and contradiction by cherry picking their way around the Bible is legendary.

Then Moses does what he does best.

Remember last time God said this to Moses, “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.”  Now Moses hastens to bow low toward the earth and worship. He said, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, O Lord, I pray, let the Lord go along in our midst, even though the people are so obstinate, and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your own possession.”

Moses is again offering the Hebrews to God as his bitches and this makes God happy because he wants everyone to be his bitch.  Nothing God likes better than his people submitting and humiliating themselves.  Moses, by his own admission, appears to be the only person who can calm the Lord Genocide down and stop him from killing everyone, and the only way he can do this is by enslaving the entire nation, but hey, what’s a guy to do?  Yahweh is undeniably a psycho killing machine that needs his ego stroked and Moses is the only one that can do that and, therefore, the only person who can save the Jews from their loving Lord.

Yeah, I know.  I know! As I have pointed out before there is another way of looking at this.  Much of the writing in Exodus is simply Moses convincing all his people that he is the only man who can save them, and for him to do that they will have to obey his every whim utterly.  Moses spends so much of his energy not persuading Yahweh to spare his chosen people but persuading those people that he, Moses, is the only one who has that power.  Moses becomes invaluable because he has forced people to believe that he is invaluable. It’s a great trick.

This is how all cult leaders work.  It’s an easy path to a great deal of power. When one speaks for God, believers must listen, must obey.  It’s the only path to salvation.

My answer to this is a simple equation.  Bear with me.  Moses = God’s best friend, and God will do as Moses asks.  God = God + great power over believers because they believe. Moses as the only person that can control God is thereby powerful. But… God is imaginary.  The only easy way to use imaginary numbers is to cancel them out.

Moses + God =  Power.  God = 0

Moses = Power

Although not strictly mathematical, it follows that Moses = God. Moses was nothing if not innovative.

It’s kind of a Pythagorean Theorem for cult leaders, or perhaps, a recipe for being a jack off.

I report. You decide.

2011
06/12
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Myth
Religion
Young Earth Creationism
27 comments

Moses and Yahweh, Lost In Translation.


Moses, now having The Lord Genocide’s precise instructions on how to live and more importantly, how to build great altars and temples to He Who Shall Not Be Named ( I am just Shittin’ ya. It’s God.) is instructed by God that he should move on. Unfortunately, like a cuckolded lover, God is still pouting from the Hebrews affair with that Golden Hussy from the last few chapters. We all know the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” which — I’ll try to be diplomatic here — may or may not be true, except for God. No one can throw quite such a dumb-assed hissy fit quite like Our Lord God when people aren’t falling all over themselves in adulation. That shit-ass takes every perceived slight way too seriously and gets worked up over the smallest of things. Eye just one golden bovine while walking through the mall and Bam! All the sudden, he wants to kill you and everyone you know. Shit dude, lighten up a bit. I was just looking for Baal’s sake! It’s not like you caught me in a Motel 6 rubbing oil on her udders.

So God wants the Hebrews to move on. I’m not really sure why as he doesn’t actually want them to get to the Promised land for another 39 years, but nevertheless, he demands they move and wander around for another few decades, and they do. Have you ever noticed how Yahweh’s not into just giving gifts but instead makes people suffer for everything they get? So they go, but he refuses to go with them. I told you he was a pouty little bitch. Just look.

“Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.”

Now I’m not sure I know what that means but it sure sounds to me like Yahweh has a bit of a temper, and like a mother who has had a very bad day, he doesn’t trust himself around his children. “If I gotta stop this caravan, your all going to be sorry!” You ever think that there are some beings, divine or not, who should never be parents? This entire concept is reinforced by the next line.

When the people heard this sad word, they went into mourning, and none of them put on his ornaments. For the Lord had said to Moses, “Say to the sons of Israel, ‘You are an obstinate people; should I go up in your midst for one moment, I would destroy you. Now therefore, put off your ornaments from you, that I may know what I shall do with you.’” So the sons of Israel stripped themselves of their ornaments, from Mount Horeb onward.

So not only does he doubt his self control– notice how it changed from “might” to “would” –but takes away their ipods and jewelry. Apparently, he’s using that old parental maxim handed down through the ages, If dad’s pissed, everyone suffers… and perhaps, dies! His feeling are hurt and he’s not ashamed to let everyone know… then threaten to kill them for it. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for getting things off your chest, but that seems to take it a wee bit too far. Seldom do my crying jags end in bloody rampages.  Well, um… Yeah, seldom.

I’m just sayin’.

What we need here is a kind of Divine Prozac, a Mega Marijuana, or perhaps, a Holy Hashish, anything to get Yahweh in a better mood. Hell, while we’re dreaming lets’ get him something for all those obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar and schizophrenic traits too. Wow! That’d be the drug to end all drugs. It’d make heroin look like a placebo.

The only problem is that with that asshole, I’m sure it have to be administered hourly… as a suppository.

Any volunteers?

Anyway, Moses has built a special tent where he meets God on a regular basis. This is a particularly funny part.

Now Moses used to take the tent and pitch it outside the camp, a good distance from the camp, and he called it the tent of meeting And everyone who sought the LORD would go out to the tent of meeting which was outside the camp. And it came about, whenever Moses went out to the tent, that all the people would arise and stand, each at the entrance of his tent, and gaze after Moses until he entered the tent. Whenever Moses entered the tent,the pillar of cloud would descend and stand at the entrance of the tent; and the LORD would speak with Moses. When all the people saw the pillar of cloud standing at the entrance of the tent, all the people would arise and worship, each at the entrance of his tent. Thus the LORD used to speak to Moses face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend. When Moses returned to the camp, his servant Joshua, the son of Nun, a young man, would not depart from the tent.

I think this passage says much about Moses and the writer’s need to show him back in control. The rebellion is over, beyatches.  Moses won.  The people all obey him for he is the only one who remains in God’s favor. Don’t believe me? Just ask him. God actually listens to him. Somedays, he and The Lord Genocide just sit around shooting the shit and getting high. “Thus the LORD used to speak to Moses face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend.” Yeah just like a friend… Who appears in the form of a cloud… and who’s mere visage can be fatal… and who regularly threatens to kill everyone you know. Yeah, I got a lot of friends like that.

The old saying has never been more true. With a friend like Yahweh, who needs enemies.

BTW, anyone else notice the young man who would not leave Moses tent. Can you say Boytoy? I knew you could.  Seemingly, Ted Haggard was just following an ancient tradition.

But to further the idea that Moses and the priesthood in general are absolutely essential, Moses is constantly finding it necessary to intercede for the Hebrews to change God’s malevolent little mind for Mister Pouty Lip is constantly wanting to kill them. The writer of Exodus tries so very hard to show how essential the priesthood is. Shit like the following litters the pages of Exodus.

Then he (Moses) said to Him, “If Your presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here. “For how then can it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not by Your going with us, so that we, I and Your people, may be distinguished from all the other people who are upon the face of the earth?” The LORD said to Moses, “I will also do this thing of which you have spoken; for you have found favor in My sight and I have known you by name.”

Sheesh! I know that the common consensus today is that Exodus was not written by Moses himself and was likely written much later, but some of this positively smacks of a great degree of self-aggrandizement as if Moses was padding out his celestial resume.  1354 BCE — Became God’s best friend.   1356 BCE — Cured cancer  1357.  BCE — Saved the Hebrews… Again!  These pages are so full of conceit that a part of me screams that a man named Moses must have had something to do with it’s writing. A chorus of voices in the back of my head demand that this asshole has pulled off the greatest scam of all-time. Just read the self serving propaganda through these chapters and judge for yourself. It reminds me of all that shit Stalin used to personally write for Pravda regarding himself.

“Should you feel tired at a time when a man should not be tired, think of him — of Stalin – and work will become easier. Should you be at a loss as to how you should act, think of him — of Stalin – and your decision will be the right one.”

Yeah. When I have a difficult personal decision to make I always use the old “What Would Stalin Do?” wisdom which, of course, mostly boiled down to “Kill the fuckers!” Then again is it any different from using the wisdom of the incestuous son of another mass murderer? At any rate according to themselves, both Stalin and Moses made life better… um?; they both had violent purges of dissidents; they both ruled by terror and fear and they both thought they talked to God. That is Stalin thought he was god and talked to himself in the shower every morning, and Moses thought he was God’s best friend which, when referring to imaginary beings, comes out to be pretty much the same thing.

It brings to mind other possible similarities. Most people are aware that Stalin is not his birth name. He was born with the fine sounding handle of Yosif Vissarionovich Dzugashvili. Understandably, he realized early that to go far in politics and genocide, he needed a name that didn’t sound like someone pissing on a fence. He required something that would bolster his image, something manly, “steel”. Stalin is Russian for steel, the Man of Steel. In light of their other similarities, I’m sure that “Moses” is really an archaic Hebrew word for “He with the Large Dick”.

That or it could mean “I am a huge Prick”.

Translations can be a bitch.

2011
05/18
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Myth
Religion
57 comments

Consecration Of Priests Or Why The Bible Didn’t Invent Soap.


If this doesn't reek of ironic truth, I don't know what does.

AAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!! @#^$Q$%&#%!!!

Goddamn it people, there are times I really question my intelligence. Do you have any idea how many times I have started on this post? Four! This is my fourth pathetic attempt to bring some degree of sense to the end of Exodus. The others, needless to say, were less than inspiring. Dross would be a polite word to describe them; shit would be more accurate if less socially acceptable. In general, I prefer accuracy to social conventions so shit they were. This is it! Last Chance! One more failed attempt and I’m taking my Bible out back and burying the goddamned thing in the backyard.

Sigh! Writing is always unpredictable. Sometimes what you are writing is golden. Words come easily and fine. Sentences gush forth and perfect images form on each page. Writing, at those time, is effortless. Let me tell you that is a beautiful feeling, a feeling every writer loves to have. But then… then… sometimes I do everything I can: scream, bang my head, type, delete, retype, concentrate until a stroke seems imminent and what the hell do I get as a result? A herculean exertion and on the page is some foul and rancid literary vomit, disgusting tripe. Is this really what the interior of my mind looks like, a slowly congealing mass of uninspired and limp mediocrity? I’m pretty sure that If I were intelligently designed, my brain’s output wouldn’t resemble the chunks off the bottom of the Cat box. Jesus Christ, now in cracker form, it wearies me. What I need is an upgrade, Bundy 2.0 had better come soon, or I’m doomed. This first adopter prototype mind I have several serious bugs.

Truth be told, I think the problem lies with the ungodly, pardon the pun, level of detail in Exodus. There’s no story, no people, nothing of interest what-so-ever. Let me tell you the majority of this bitch is one vast and complicated formula to please God and you all know how fascinating I find that. Put this bauble there, this robe like that, cut the bull’s throat, spray its blood here, here and, of course, here. It’s like some ancient form of Super Mario Brothers. You jump three times, hit a block with your head and leap on top of a huge green pot while pressing down and you’re transported to a magical world where princesses need rescuing from dangerous walking mushrooms. It’s just like that only without the fun… or the action… or the princess. Well… actually it’s nothing like that, but I just couldn’t think of another analogy that even came close. If you think you can do one better knock yourself out.

My point remains valid. This part of Exodus is all Moses on the mountain getting instructions from God on how to please God. And we all know the only thing God likes more than being pleased is being displeased and knocking shit down. This is Yahweh’s own self masturbatory ejaculation. As background, we should remind you that Moses is up there for a long time, 40 days to be precise. He has supposedly received the ten Commandments and other rules in this time and is now getting the lowdown on making the people God’s bitches. He has instructions for building the temple, ark, altar and lampstand and is now taking down all the things that God wants his priests to do to make God happy.

But when the temple is built and the Ark and altars and lampstands are in place, what could be left for the glorification of the Lord? What the hell else could God possibly want? What indeed, but the consecration of his priests. Holy shit people, (which I guess would be the point!) God can’t have unholy shitbags, AKA ordinary people, touching his altars? Do you even know what they wiped with back then? Charmin, it wasn’t. They live in a desert, for a lack of Christ’s sake! Even leaves were in short supply, so who the hell knows where those dirty bastards have been. Well, God would know and that’s why he gave them the formula for soap.

Naw, I’m just shitting you. Of course God didn’t give us soap. Soap would have had a function not to mention a real benefit for humanity, and as everyone knows that actual ideas for workable inventions appear to be forbidden in this midden heap of literature. No, God only allows the dreck of vague arcana and mystical voodoo to pervade his most sacred tome. All that practical stuff like atomic structure and the Germ Theory of Disease were left out, strictly unnecessary. And of course, soap. What possible good would those have done us? As a people struggling our way through ignorance and death… Death by disease… Because we weren’t clean enough… Yeah, useless!

Oh? Do I sound bitter? I’ll tell you what, you slog through the effort of trying to shovel through the gory details of bull sacrifice and the bloody anointing of priests four separate times desperately searching for threads to tie it all together. I feel like I’ve had my head up my ass for weeks now… No! Actually I feel like I’ve had my head up Moses’ ass for weeks now. Moses… A guy who had never used soap. You try it and we’ll see just how bitter you get.

Ok, no soap. Making his priests worthy of touching him (let’s not go there) involved a dark and mysterious purification process to sanctify them. The rites are dark for they deal with sacrifice and blood splattered everywhere. They’re mysterious because, well frankly, who the hell could possibly figure out why spraying blood here or there has any effect on anything, but especially how does it help in making people more alluring. Think about this. What kind of jackass god would think that this butchery somehow makes people cleaner and more appealing? Doesn’t every civilized god — an oxymoron, I know — love their followers even more when the reek of the slaughter house hangs over them? I’m sure it sure gives Yahweh a chubby, but why would this be so? Do you really find your friends more trustworthy if they’re dripping in blood? Do you find your sexual partner hotter when they look as if they have come from butchering an ox? Well, I don’t, but maybe that might be someone’s kink but in a God we worship? What does this say about him?

These few chapters could best be described as a bunch of shit so we’ll dip into this section gingerly and briefly. There is simply too much nonsense here to linger for long , and I don’t want to become any more bogged down here than I already have. Take my word on it. Moses’ ass is not a place you want to spend much time. Trust me! But something of the flavor needs to be tasted, pardon the expression, so here are a few lines of Exodus 29 just some of the many involved in this purification ritual.

“Now this is what you shall do to them to consecrate them to minister as priests to Me: take one young bull and two rams without blemish, and unleavened bread and unleavened cakes mixed with oil, and unleavened wafers spread with oil; you shall make them of fine wheat flour. “You shall put them in one basket, and present them in the basket along with the bull and the two rams. “Then you shall bring Aaron and his sons to the doorway of the tent of meeting and wash them with water. “You shall take the garments, and put on Aaron the tunic and the robe of the ephod and the ephod and the breastpiece, and gird him with the skillfully woven band of the ephod; and you shall set the turban on his head and put the holy crown on the turban. “Then you shall take the anointing oil and pour it on his head and anoint him. “You shall bring his sons and put tunics on them. “You shall gird them with sashes, Aaron and his sons, and bind caps on them, and they shall have the priesthood by a perpetual statute. So you shall ordain Aaron and his sons.

“Then you shall bring the bull before the tent of meeting, and Aaron and his sons shall lay their hands on the head of the bull. “You shall slaughter the bull before the Lord at the doorway of the tent of meeting. “You shall take some of the blood of the bull and put it on the horns of the altar with your finger; and you shall pour out all the blood at the base of the altar. “You shall take all the fat that covers the entrails and the lobe of the liver, and the two kidneys and the fat that is on them, and offer them up in smoke on the altar.”

And skipping ahead a bit get this

“But the flesh of the bull and its hide and its refuse, you shall burn with fire outside the camp; it is a sin offering. You shall also take the one ram, and Aaron and his sons shall lay their hands on the head of the ram; and you shall slaughter the ram and shall take its blood and sprinkle it around on the altar. “Then you shall cut the ram into its pieces, and wash its entrails and its legs, and put them with its pieces and its head. “You shall offer up in smoke the whole ram on the altar; it is a burnt offering to the Lord: it is a soothing aroma, an offering by fire to the Lord. “Then you shall take the other ram, and Aaron and his sons shall lay their hands on the head of the ram. “You shall slaughter the ram, and take some of its blood and put it on the lobe of Aaron’s right ear and on the lobes of his sons’ right ears and on the thumbs of their right hands and on the big toes of their right feet, and sprinkle the rest of the blood around on the altar. “Then you shall take some of the blood that is on the altar and some of the anointing oil, and sprinkle it on Aaron and on his garments and on his sons and on his sons’ garments with him; so he and his garments shall be consecrated, as well as his sons and his sons’ garments with him.

Yeah, that’s what every God wants, right? Blood on the ear and the big toe. Yeah, I’m sure he’ll get really hot and bothered over that. Anyway, sorry for the long quote, but mind you as tedious as it is, this is but a small part of the entire ritual. There are more sacrifices, food for the priests, sin offerings, wave offerings, incense and altars for incense, anointing oils, and at last, the exact skilled craftsmen God wants to build and manufacture all his stuff. Whew!

Let’s just skip the rest and deal with the big question. What does all this remind you of? I mean really think about it for a minute. What does all this highly ritualized rubbish most resemble? It’s magic, of course! Every line of Exodus 25 – 31 is part of a complicated magical spell to appease the gods or in this case God. In fact, the whole temple and its furnishings sections belong to the same basic concept. Magic. Magic. Magic. As much as the Christians constantly harp on the occultism in today’s society from Harry Potter to Wicca, can they really say this is any different? This is an ancient ritual to get the forces of nature on our side using the mystical power of blood and fire and bizarre actions. There can be no other way of looking at this.

Let’s do an experiment. Let us take these chapters of Exodus and change nothing but God’s name. In fact let’s replace it with the name of Allah. Then let’s approach people and read our slightly altered version verbatim while claiming it was from the Koran. Tell me how many Christians would hold it up as evidence that Islam is evil and the religion of barbarians? How many believers in Christ would denounce Islam as a sect of blood and violence using our “Exodus” as evidence. Just imagine the looks of fury and disgust on their faces as they are told the insane demands of our Allah. Damn, I think I’m on to something! Maybe we should start it as one of those emails that makes the rounds where people are horrified at what is being taught in the name of Islam, the kind of email my mother used to send me.

After all the horrified responses, we could point out that it really is the Bible. Oh, just imagine the look on their faces then. Priceless! We gotta try that. All right, people, this is your homework assignment for BABS university next week. Your grade depends on it. I want a full report.

The reality here is that the world needs to face the fact that these are the same activities and beliefs as magic. They are just aimed at a different imaginary power. The Hebrews were appeasing the powers that they couldn’t understand yet affected their lives. As are the Wiccans. The difference here is that the modern Wiccans should know better… as should modern Christians. The time for magically controlling the universe is over. Is superstition in itself evil? No. Occultism isn’t any more evil than having an imaginary friend. It’s just something that we should have outgrown by now. So the question we need to ask our Fundamentalist brothers and sisters is why is Wicca superstitious nonsense while this mumbo jumbo from Exodus is simply logical relations with a divine being? There is no good answer to that.

Keeping in mind my earlier theory of Moses being a cult leader, another thing to remember is that Moses goes up to the mountain for 40 days, plenty of time to make up some quasi-magical horse manure. He had nearly six weeks to churn out some mystical rites along with a few of the practical rules we studied before. Did a perfect God really take that long to impart his sacred ideas into Moses bony skull, or did Moses use this time to invent a more complicated version of his religion to consolidate control over his people? Look at this closely and you can’t fail to come to the realization that this severely limits access to the sacred to just a few top people, top people who are to be treated like kings. First, only the top men could approach the mountain and now only a very select few will ever be allow to “interact” with God. The priest-kings are established. The shackles are set.

Can you see how convenient this is from a cult point of view? The apparatus for lasting control is in place, and Moses has the people just where he needs them, he and his cronies on top with all the power because God will only talk to them and everyone else at the bottom desperately eager to please the forces they cannot fathom.

But we now know that such rubbish changes nothing of the world. We now know better.

Or we should!

2011
03/27
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Myth
Religion
Young Earth Creationism
19 comments

Email From the Edge.


I wonder how much they are asking?

I get email.  Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone does so there’s nothing usual in that, but every so often, my email gets well… interesting. Yeah, interesting, that’s the word.  Most times, it’s from people who agree whole heartedly with what I have to say. Sometimes, it’s someone who disagrees even more passionately, and then every now and then I’m not really sure what the writer believes but the mere fact that he “believes” comes through strongly, and his creative use of ALLCAPS, incoherent platitudes and white space usually offers something amusing. But every so often it’s completely different. Is this one of those different ones? Well… I’ll let you judge. This letter was in my inbox last weekend. I left the document completely unedited save for leaving out the last name.

Name: Lee *********

hey! im a 16 year old guy trying to figure out the meaning of life….i really just want to make my own life and have no one else control it….i used to be super SUPER relgious and now im still having probelms with it….i cant find any error in the Bible i do know alot about it and every contradiction out of the some 500 in there has an intepration that makes total sense

i want to be an atheist because i want control of my own life…all my desires and my own brain

ive been a conservative CHristian up to this point but now i just dont know

i tried looking into evolution but there is so many wholes as there is in everything else

im starting not to care about religious boundaries anymore i really just want to be a humanist and live the life that makes me happy

problem is that good ole Bible nothing has been proven wrong in it(from my opinion)

i dream of a life like yours

please give some advice if you dont mind

sorry i dont type correctly haha but i would love a free thinkers insight

i just dont want to live for nothing

Hmm.  I read it and alarms began to blare through my head. Part of me, a large part, screamed that this must be a set up. People, particularly Christians on the edge losing their faith, simply don’t think like this. And if I’m wrong and some actually do, I’d bet much that they don’t talk like this. What this echoes most strongly is the Fundamentalist viewpoint of why people become atheists.  This isn’t some boy on the verge of reason.  It’s an Evangelical interpretation of what they think that someone who throws away their faith must go through.

Allow me to paraphrase what the cynic in me is hearing.  ”I want to have the life of a freethinker, to decide what’s right or wrong on my own, to be a selfish master of my own fate, Alas, the Bible just keeps proving accurate no matter how many times I have tried to prove it otherwise. In the face of all this evidence proving Christianity true, what’s a budding freethinker to do?”

I feel this is an accurate interpretation of what’s happening here. In fact, I’d bet on it, but if I close my eyes and assume it’s true — a feat I am becoming quite adept at with this study — what should I tell 16 year-old Lee? What insight does one free thinker have to offer another budding but likely fictional freethinker?

First, read what we have written so far. I have tried to do my best to point out the Biblical absurdities and the commenters here have been amazing at pointing out all that I have missed. As a team, we have nailed the Christian God thoroughly and will continue to do so for many years to come.  I didn’t realized what entertainment value the Bible had.

Second, Lee, comes the natural counter to this idea “i cant find any error in the Bible i do know alot about it and every contradiction out of the some 500 in there has an intepration that makes total sense.” This glossing over the vast number of idiosyncrasies is done using several techniques.  The first is usually placed under the concept of hermeneutics. Thank you to Mr. Hubbo for introducing that word into my vocabulary.  I knew the definition long before I knew what it was called.  Hermeneutics is a concept I have argued against in these posts and in running battles in the comments, and I will continue to fight as my last breath leaves my body.  Hopefully not soon with some Christian pitchfork stuck through my chest as they’re burning down my house.  What?  You people don’t wake up in the dead of night screaming about horses of cross bearing psychopaths roaming the streets?   Um… Yeah, me neither…

Anyway, let’s do with some definitions first. Hermeneutics, in regard to Biblical interpretation, is taking the Bible as a whole and not as a collection of parts. On the surface, this sounds like a fine idea, and overall, I would support viewing any human document hermeneutically, but when it comes to how the Biblical literalist uses it, I must make an exception. Their work in this area is simple apologetics, a defending of a position already taken using whatever sleight of hand one can use. When a literalist finds a contradiction or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable such as God slaughtering thousands of Egyptian children or destroying a civilization for becoming too great and threatening his own power, he or she only needs to pick through that vast repository of phrases to find one that tempers it or counters it or allows them to ignore it completely.  Bingo!  Contradiction alleviated.

This is what allows the fundamentalist to condemn homosexuality with vigor but ignore many of the other verses in the same chapter. You just get to pick and choose what you want to hear and ignore the rest.  For example, “He who lies with an animal shall surely be put to death,” is followed soon after by “If you lend money to my people, the poor among you, you are not to act as a creditor to him; you are not to charge him interest.”   How come we never hear about that anymore. It was big in the middle ages but not now. With all the raging homophobes screaming from every pulpit about the dangers of homosexuality, someone has to explain to me why aren’t banks being burnt to the ground. We have Christians lending money at interest all the time.  But of course, this lack of economic freedom would go against what we want to believe so we just ignore it.  Homosexuality outlawed.  Banking good.  See how easy that was?

This same verse condemning gays is preceded by this little gem. “If a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod and he dies at his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, he survives a day or two, no vengeance shall be taken for he is his property.” Beating slaves to death is fine as long as you don’t do it too quickly.  Yeah… Now this one was big prior to the civil war but isn’t used much today. Why?  Is morality relative?  These are just two of thousands of instances of God either being a bastard or out right contradicting his own teachings.

The reason that an advanced use of hermeneutics is so useful in plastering over the vast gaps in sheer Biblical decency is that it allows anyone to pick and choose the parts that they want to follow and ignore that parts they would rather forget. If you start with the firm conviction that God is perfect and the Bible is inerrant combined with your own preconceived notions, it is a simple matter to come up with an interpretation to suit what you already “know” is true.  You don’t change yourself as much as you change the Bible to suit you.  In the brilliant words of George Bernard Shaw,  ”No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.”  (Thank you to Daz for that.)

Hermeneutics is often accompanied by the whole “That was the old covenant. Jesus sacrifice brought a new covenant to us.” So God changed the covenant from a harsher on to a nicer one? Why? Did the perfect God make a mistake with all the evil he did with the first one? And if so why do we still pick and choose only the parts of the Old Testament that we want to follow and not the whole thing? Who chooses those parts? Why do we swear by one verse and ignore the whole next page?

These two Biblical polishing techniques are then followed with the only available option to Christians when confronted with the idea of a wicked God: they make excuses for him. He killed all the children of Sodom and Gomorrah and Egypt because the parents were evil (evil here simply means not following God’s arbitrary commands) and therefore the children would be evil.  This has been pointed out on more that one occasion that this is why God punishes to the third and fourth generation.  God punishes children for the sins of their parents.  But ask yourself Lee, if we followed the same technique and butchered the children of our enemies on purpose, would we be doing the right thing or the wrong? If we purposefully tortured and killed children in our wars and conflicts would we be honorable or despicable?  WWJD?  Isn’t this the ideal Christians strive for?  But alter it slightly and make it “What would Jehovah do?”    Should we be butchering the Iraqi children as we speak?  Should we take the babies of criminals and butcher them on the court house steps all in the name of justice?  No?  Are we not following his example?  Why can God do anything he wants and name it good simply because he’s the one who did it?  Might doesn’t make right, yet here he is committing genocide and his apologists smile and tell me about perfect justice and perfect love and how those flawless concepts necessitate genocide.  Perfect justice involving the slaughter of innocents?  Perfect love?  Perfect bullshit!

And ask yourself this, Lee, if the Bible is so consistent, why are there so many different interpretations of it. Why are there so many Protestant sects in the United States and around the world — 30,000 by one estimate — that have a radically different outlook on what that book really says? Why has the interpretation of this book changed dramatically through history? Every sect whether present or historic uses a different approach to hermeneutics to get that book to say what ever they want it to say. Then they claim to be one of the few groups of people on the planet who really knows the truth and then often try to convince all the other people of the validity of their claim…  Usually at the point of a sword,   This infallible book has been the inspiration for the crusades, the inquisition, the conquest of other lands and vast religious wars that have left entire regions decimated. The Bible was used extensively to justify both sides of the American civil war or for that matter, most any civil wars. How can so many people get so many different meanings out of a single book that is supposedly perfect?  And why do those meanings usually reflect what the people really want to do anyway?

Think about it Lee. It’s because of those very contradictions. It’s because of those flaws.  Those terrible differences in tone and decency have given people all the tools they need to give divine justification to whatever the hell they desire. Even a brief but honest reading of history of the western world demonstrates the truth of these statements.  The cross has been at the forefront of atrocity after atrocity.  God strides hand in hand with every tyrant for every despicable and depraved act. Virtually every call to war, genocide and massacre that the western world has been responsible for has held the cross high and asked for their God’s blessing while crushing any resistance underfoot.

So, Lee, I ask you to do one thing. Read the Bible, but not as they, the preachers and bishops ask you to. Don’t be praying for “God’s” guidance while you read.  Don’t make excuses for the evil contained there in.  Read it with an open mind.  Or even better, read it how you would read the Koran, that is looking for the brutality and evil.  Read it how you would read the nonsense in the book of Mormon.  Then ask yourself if the behavior exhibited by your God  is rational and decent. Ask yourself that if any human ruler emulated this behavior and actions that you would think as highly of him as of your God.  Or would we be going to war just to stop him?

Then ask yourself this, Lee: what evidence is there for a God aside from the Bible, a book that shows it’s inadequacies with every page?

And Lee?  We don’t live for nothing.  We live for what we choose: our wives, our children, our friends and our life.  Life is too beautiful to be wasted following what someone else says is God’s will.  Free thinkers think! First! Foremost! Primarily!

2011
03/11
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Myth
Religion
Thoughts
31 comments

Heaven and Hell, A Delicious Irony


In the light of several serious and fruitless discussions here, I will let you all in on a funny.  For the last several weeks, our secular group, The Northern Prairie Secular Society, has been meeting at a local coffee shop.  We love to sit around  sipping coffee and having great skeptical conversation. Unfortunately, the choice of coffee shops in Bismarck is limited on a Sunday morning.  Many shops simply aren’t open and others just don’t have the seating to have all of us in one area, but we found an acceptable choice downtown.  This coffee shop has a small but adjustable seating area in the main room, but also has access to a conference room in the basement.  For the first few meetings and to the horror of everyone, we just arranged the tables upstairs and  had our sinister atheistic conversations right there in public.  This worked well.  Life was good.

But we decided to try a few other possibilities and for a few weeks we stayed away.  When we arrived back at the end of January, we discovered that an evangelical church had asked the coffee shop if they could have full religious services in their main room on Sundays.   For what I imagine were business reasons, the shop agreed.  So on this fateful day last month, we entered the shop/church in understandable confusion and realized we have been supplanted.  Here was a small but complete evangelical worship service raging out of control in the coffee shop complete with the laying on of hands.  The shop owners graciously allowed us the conference room for our discussions and we descended into the basement and have been there every Sunday.

Ah but the irony of the affair kills me.  Picture the scene.  Godly Christians worship joyously in the well-lit and airy upstairs while the dirty atheists slink to the dark basement to have their godless mutterings.  There such a heaven and hell element to the whole affair that I find irresistible, and I’ll be damned if I don’t chuckle every time I think of it.  We have to walk right into the midst of their service to get our coffee and stand there while it’s being made, music blaring, sermons preaching.  I try not to smile: I really do, but thus far, I am unable to resist.  I want to put up a sign indicating where both the Christians and atheists should go — up and down, Heaven and Hell, respectively, complete with halos and fiery illustrations.  I wonder if they’d see the humor in it.

In truth, the conference room works well for us.  It fully adaptable and private yet large enough to fit our growing needs, but to sit there while the hymns carry down from above is the best reason to keep coming.  The complete dichotomy of the two events in such close proximity thrills me.   The irony is scrumptious, so tell me, how could I not love it?  I feel we’re the antidote to the superstition happening above.  Up here’s what you may want to believe, but down here’s what reality really consists of.

So if any of you are ever in Bismarck on a Sunday morning, stop in.  For saint of sinner, we have it all.

The sinners are downstairs.

P.S.  I actually know the pastor and worked for him on a commercial six months ago.  Nice guy, but I’m sure he now thinks I’m the devil.

P.P.S. Here the ads are.  1. 2. and 3. I had no idea they were online.  They’re for a universal access voting service our state provides.

P.P.P.S.  I’m the fat guy.

2011
03/04
CATEGORY
Atheism
Myth
Religion
Thoughts
19 comments

Feasts, Arks, And Temples, A Recipe For God’s Love.


Note the subtlety of religious thought.

After a long absence, I am back.  And dammit, we’re still in Exodus.  WTF??  I thought that maybe some friendly gnomes and elves might at least labored during my long truancy and got us as far as Leviticus.  By the blackened bowels of Christ, must I do everything around here!  Damn supernatural creatures!  Ever notice that they’re never quite as reliable as their reputation suggests.  Think about  that!  We can’t just make shit up and expect it too work.  Who’d have thought?  Well, on second thought that would seem to be common sense, but alas, not as common as we would like.

Again Exodus 23/14… So Moses it still on the mountain listening to God’s rambling and faithfully jotting down every word, or maybe he’s smokin’ some weed and munchin’ on local the mushrooms.  That’s actually the more likely scenario, but we must assume the first is true to proceed.  Here we come to another of those so frequent sections where God outlines his plan for humankind, not for the benefit of us but for him.  You see, it’s not enough for us to sing praises and follow his laws regarding sheep and virgins and such, and mere bloody animal sacrifices are insufficient to please him any longer.  Now to make him happy, we must build great things to glorify him and have great feasts with him as the guest of honor.

God wants us to build him a house and throw a party.  Yeehaw! Break out the steak, baby.  God’s coming!  And what kind of buildings would make God happy?  Oh, don’t worry about that.  Yahweh gives a precise blueprint for the temple that he demands to be honored in.  Well, perhaps I should say a detailed description.  Precision would indicate that I could figure out what the hell he was talking about.  Detail? Well, any schizophrenic could give me rabidly detailed accounts of their inner thoughts.  I still won’t understand, but they’ll be detailed, and you know, God is in the details… Or is that the devil?  I forget.  At any rate, ten-and-a-half freaking pages of detailed instructions are laid out in my Bible for building a temple and all its accouterments and how to use them.  Remember the Ten Commandments?  Those incredibly important instructions for how humanity was supposed to live with itself?  Yeah, they have less than a page.  And as for the ones that really deal with humanity rather than those glorifying God?  13 lines.

God allots a mere 13 lines for the greatest rules we are to live by, you know the ones theists want plastered throughout every school and courthouse as a panacea against all forms of evil, but then he goes on for a rather verbose 824 lines to detail the building and decorating of his house, the taxes to pay for it and a complete guide to the dress and comportment of his servants within.  In case you wondering, yes, I counted every line, all 824 of them.  This number doesn’t include the notes or the elaborate drawings included in my Bible detailing what God really meant.  Pardon the irony, but thank God for those drawings.  Without them, I’d have no idea what the hell he was talking about, and I build shit for a living.  If an engineer walked onto a jobsite today with such blueprints, he’d be hanging from a tree by sundown.

And in case you’re wondering what kind of ratio this makes between those six commandments concerning people and those regarding the Temple building fund, (yes, some of you may actually wonder!) God spends 63 times more effort on his personal residence.  Kind of shows us our relative degree of importance, doesn’t it.  God spends more time explaining the temple’s candelabra than he does with us.  Feel the love, baby.  Feel it!

Of course, there are many other regulations outside those most important of commandments and we have seen some and will see many more. Many, many more.  But are they for our good?  Meh! We’ll see later.

First, let’s delve into the three great feasts demanded by God to honor him.

“Three times a year you shall celebrate a feast to Me.”

To him?  Well… all right, as long as it’s a feast.  Although it seems quite arrogant for someone to declare a feast and insist it’s for his own glory, and still demand you bring all the food. But hey, it’s still a party, right?  I love parties!  Not to mention, I’m a fat guy.  I especially love parties that are feasts!  Count me in.

You shall observe the Feast of Unleavened Bread; for seven days you are to eat unleavened bread, as I commanded you, at the appointed time in the month Abib, for in it you came out of Egypt. And none shall appear before Me empty-handed.

What?  Unleavened bread!  That stuff tastes like shit!  What kind of party is this?  Feast appears to be a bit of a misnomer here.  Feasts to a fat guy have special meaning — tables laden with a wide variety of succulent dishes where I can gorge myself into a caloric coma, quivering and shuddering as my arteries slowly seal shut, gasping for breath as my abdomen expands into territory normally reserved for my lungs. (Damn, I think I just got aroused. BRB… Uh, where were we?)  Ah yes, now that’s a feast, not a thick and chewy chunk of rough bread.  Talk about a let down.  I’d  have had to grill the fat kid from the other tent to make up for my disappointment.  At the very least, Yahweh would certainly be off of my Christmas card list for next year.   Of course, this is in remembrance of the exodus from Egypt.  But how boorish is that.  ”Hey, remember that time when I saved you by forcing you to flee into the desert and almost starve?  Yeah?  Still remember it?  Um… How about now?  Hmmm…  Just to make sure you never forget how great I am (Isn’t that a song?) I’m going to demand a yearly celebration in my honor because I’m such a great guy.”  BYOB.  (Bring your own bread… as long as it’s unleavened.)

“Also you shall observe the Feast of the Harvest of the first fruits of your labors from what you sow in the field; also the Feast of the Ingathering at the end of the year when you gather in the fruit of your labors from the field. Three times a year all your males shall appear before the Lord God. You shall not offer the blood of My sacrifice with leavened bread; nor is the fat of My feast to remain overnight until morning.  You shall bring the choice first fruits of your soil into the house of the Lord your God.”

Ah, this is better — real food but seemingly only for the men.  I’m not sure what the women did except for cook it.  But again with the attitude, “I’m going to throw a great party in honor of me and you’re going to bring all the best food, and you’re going to pay for it all, and it’s mandatory, and only for men…”  Bon Appetit!

Oh,  the passage ends with one of my favorite non sequiturs of the entire Bible, “You are not to boil a young goat in the milk of its mother.” Yeah, I hate when they do that.  It just seems rude.

As for the temple… Sigh.  What in the hell could I possibly say about the ten pages of complex confusion encompassing the design of the temple and its furniture?  Not much.  Let me just state an example now. Here is the lampstand  God demands to light his glory.  You’d think that he’d make something slightly more impressive to illuminate the inside of his house like ball lightning or hawking radiation from a nano-black hole or something, but to do something that cool he’d actually have to exist.  Since that nonexistence seems to be the real limiting factor in all his miracles, this is what he came up with.

“Then you shall make a lampstand of pure gold. The lampstand and its base and its shaft are to be made of hammered work; its cups, its bulbs and its flowers shall be of one piece with it. Six branches shall go out from its sides; three branches of the lampstand from its one side and three branches of the lampstand from its other side. Three cups shall be shaped like almond blossoms in the one branch, a bulb and a flower, and three cups shaped like almond blossoms in the other branch, a bulb and a flower–so for six branches going out from the lampstand; and in the lampstand four cups shaped like almond blossoms, its bulbs and its flowers. A bulb shall be under the first pair of branches coming out of it, and a bulb under the second pair of branches coming out of it, and a bulb under the third pair of branches coming out of it, for the six branches coming out of the lampstand. Their bulbs and their branches shall be of one piece with it; all of it shall be one piece of hammered work of pure gold. Then you shall make its lamps seven in number; and they shall mount its lamps so as to shed light on the space in front of it. Its snuffers and their trays shall be of pure gold. It shall be made from a talent of pure gold, with all these utensils. See that you make them after the pattern for them, which was shown to you on the mountain.”

Got that.  OK then get to work.  This is really how it goes for several pages, and we thought the assembly manuals for a new bookcase or desk were written by the criminally insane.  Yeah… Um, no comment, except to say, within does lie the description of Ark from Indiana Jones fame, one of my favorite movies as a child, and yes, the drawings in my Bible do look like the movie’s Ark.  I wonder if its still stored in that warehouse?  Damned government, hiding the proof for the existence of God like that… I’ll bet it’s right next to the film stage where they faked the moon landings too!  Anyway, other than that bit of movie trivia, this section has little to offer. Let’s just jump ahead to chapter 28.

Alas, here it’s even worse.  This whole chapter deals with how God wants his priests dress, and holy sheep shit, Batman, the level of detail here is numbing.  I can barely read through this section without feeling like some set my brain to puree. I desperately want to cut and paste the entire section here to give you an example, but I am sure I’d lose half my readers if I did.  So… Here’s a link.  I urge you to  peruse the inanity exhibited so proudly.  Read it and tell me it doesn’t sound like grown men dressing up Barbies.  Put the little ribbon here and the stone there… Oh that’s just so cute!  Damn, if you don’t look divine!!  Which, I guess, is the point. You can pull off the scam of the millennia if you just look good.  It doesn’t matter how you feel, as long as you look mahvelous!

And that’s precisely what religion does — puts a veneer of glitter over a implausible and illogical core of fear — the ultimate carrot and stick– in fact, it’s a carrot wrapped around a stick…  or a turd… I’m having trouble with the metaphor, actually. Anyway, Beauty and the Beast.  But people are so desperate to see the beauty, they look no deeper than the surface.  If they did they would see the beast lying directly under the gilding and glitter.  They would see the fear guiding their every move.  They may go to sleep with visions of holy sugarplums dancing through their heads, but it’s the fear that jolts them awake in the middle of the night.

Are they good enough?  Are they saved?  Will they burn?  Will my parents? Will my children? You and I know that the answer to all this is no, but it really doesn’t matter.  They’ll never know that all their fear is baseless.  Sad really.

Christians always pity us for the fear of death they assume we have.  Death to us is nothing.  In the words of Hutchinson Hudson from Aliens, “Game over, man. Game over.”

It’s way nicer that way.

Damn, it’s good to be back!

2011
02/24
CATEGORY
Atheism
Bible study
Exodus
Myth
Religion
161 comments
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